the hot goddess

All is Well

“Sometimes we get sad about things and we don’t like to tell other people that we are sad about them. We like to keep it a secret. Or sometimes, we are sad but we really don’t know why we are sad, so we say we aren’t sad but we really are.”

Mark Haddon, The Curious Incident Of The Dog In The Night-Time (2003)

She has a high tolerance for pain. That’s what the doctors have said over the years. She likely got it from her father, who claimed to never have felt pain in his life. A seemingly useful trait, but one that can result in irreparable harm. She’ll push her breaking body to do more than it should, despite its undercover protestations and insistent calls for attention. She will not heed. She is a master of illusion (denial). She is not weak. Others have it much worse. She has much to be grateful for. She is not entitled to feel this way.

All is well.

Her high tolerance for pain has grown to also extend to emotional pain. An ostensibly beneficial trait, resulting in impressive feats of compartmentalization that have created an illusory norm. She is not weak. Others have it much worse. She has much to be grateful for. She is not entitled to feel this way.

All is well.

“Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. I was better after I had cried, than before–more sorry, more aware of my own ingratitude, more gentle.”

Charles Dickens, Great Expectations (1860)
Source: Unknown

“Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart.”

Haruki Murakami, Kafka On The Shore (2002)

But a reckoning always comes. There is always an end of the road, where high tolerance can leave a pile of destruction. An obstruction that cannot be denied or ignored. Or hidden.

All is well. But not really.

And that’s OK.

Often these reckonings are triggered by transitions. Life changes that force necessary — though unwanted and previously avoided — examination and introspection. Departures challenge tolerance and demand attention. Losing a friend. Leaving a job. Selling a home. Moving locked-away memories that must first be unpacked and finally processed, before being discarded or stored in a better place. Often these reckonings suck.

And that’s OK.

She is OK and doing well. She has learned to give herself permission. She realizes she can acknowledge how much she has to be grateful for — and how much more fortunate she is than many others — and still be allowed to feel what she feels. She realizes she can celebrate her happy life and still feel periods of pain and sadness. She knows wallowing in these feelings doesn’t serve her well, but giving herself permission to acknowledge, observe, and linger with them for a time is necessary for healing. She has learned to give herself permission to do what she needs to do for herself, without apology or comparison.

She is not weak. She is living an authentic life. All is as it should be.

All images are my own.

The Hot Goddess

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48 comments

  5. Hi Goddess, oh gosh, I don’t know what’s going on with you specifically, but I validate all of your feelings. And agree that yes, feeling all the feels is better. And surrendering to a situation you can’t control is better. And you are still so loved and appreciated regardless of your “strength”. You’re in my thoughts and you don’t need to feel any certain way other than how you’re feeling. I’m still your friend regardless!! xoxox 😘💖😘💖😘

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  7. Thank you hot goddess for your messages today. You are most strong when you show your weakness. That sounds perhaps convoluted but not really. Love what you say and how you say it. ❤

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  13. Beautiful post. I could relate so much having always put up a strong front even when all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and cry. But I’ve finally learnt that it’s okay to feel things and to let them out – doesn’t make you weak. 🙂

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  14. Thank you for this, Natalie. I appreciate your honest and reflective writing. 💐

    “She has learned to give herself permission to do what she needs to do for herself, without apology or comparison.” 💝

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  18. So much wisdom in your post. I find myself nodding my head with every sentence. And I like your closing, “She has learned to give herself permission to do what she needs to do for herself, without apology or comparison.” Powerful!

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  21. […] Of course I have down moments. Like everyone, I feel sadness or disappointment at times. Once, last year, I actually cried tears. This was an occurence so rare that on a whim I grabbed my phone and started weirdly snapping photos of my snotty crying in process. Bizarre, I know. I wanted to capture what it looked like so I could remember what it felt like. I ended up using my computer to turn the images into “artwork,” and published them in my post All is Well. […]

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