Diving Into Dating Abroad is a monthly guest post to inspire single expat women who are living and dating in Portugal. Join us every second Friday of the month to hear from women in their 30s, 40s, 50s, and 60s who have positive messages, funny stories, and encouraging advice for meeting and dating people as an immigrant in Portugal. Names may be changed by request to protect privacy.
Today’s post is by yours truly. I am an American expat, 64, who moved to Portugal in October 2022.
Defining, Finding, and Letting Go of Love
This is not the article I planned, drafted, and scheduled on my THG editorial calendar. That article was drafted before. Before I knew namorado would ask me a question. Before I knew he would not get the answer he wanted. Before I knew he would decide he needed more than I could give.
But this is not a sad post. It is a celebration of five months of riding a wave of love, discovery, learning, and evolution. While the ending is disappointing and there is saudade for what was, I am also deeply grateful for, proud of, and encouraged by this dating journey. The last words he spoke to me as he walked out my front door carrying his belongings in two shopping bags were “I love you. I love you.” That is a gift to be celebrated. He is a wonderful man, and I love him too. That’s also a gift to be celebrated.
I wrote here about finding value in everyone I meet, especially when dating. I try to appreciate everyone as either a gift or a lesson. And all lessons — good and bad — are gifts. Namorado was a gift and a good lesson. Loving, sharing, and being with another person in a romantic relationship teaches you about yourself, if you’re open to learning. Give yourself the gift of staying open to learning. Always.
During my first year living in Portugal as a solo expat, I wanted easy, fun, no-strings relationships as I began my journey to discover a new country and find myself. It was a fun and hilarious year-one of online dating. Then, as I began my second year here, I publicly declared my year-two resolutions here onTHG.
I wanted to hold myself accountable as I opened myself to the work and risk of being emotionally attached in an exclusive, committed relationship. I’m happy to say I kept my resolutions. There was no chickening out. No self-sabotage. I shared my joy, believed in our happiness, and embraced vulnerability. I grew and discovered more about me as I opened myself, without walls, to another person. That is a gift to be acknowledged and celebrated.
It would be too simplistic to just point to the language difficulties and cultural challenges inherent in dating a person from a foreign country who doesn’t speak your language. Yes, there’s no denying the impact of culture on relationship norms and male-female power dynamics. But the bigger issue is needs, whether you’re dating someone from a different country or not. Do you understand each other’s needs? Are you both able to meet those needs?
What is Love?
A survey showed that men are quicker to say “I love you” than women, taking an average of 88 days. A whopping 39 percent of them declare their love within the first month. Women take an average of 134 days, and 23 percent of them declare their love in month one.
Jay Shetty 8 Rules of Love
We say, “I love you” in so many different contexts — with family and friends and lovers — that it doesn’t indicate anything but the presence of some sort of affection. And yet we have expectations based on what we assume it means to the other person.
Jay Shetty 8 Rules of Love
There is no universal definition of what love is. There are many different kinds of love, and they all mean different things to different people. What does love mean to you in a dating relationship? As the relationship deepens and becomes exclusive, what are your expectations? What are your partner’s? It’s important to talk about this in specific terms, and not just make assumptions.
To discount the many forms of love is to miss many beautiful possibilities. Understanding the nuances allows you to define and honor the love you have with the person you’re with.
Before we decide that we’re in love, before we tell another person we love them, and before we determine what it means when they say those words to us, we must consider how we define love. What do we expect love to feel like? How do we know we love someone? How do we know if they love us? The only way to avoid miscommunication is to talk about love using far more than those three words.
Jay Shetty 8 Rules of Love
Breaking Up Without Giving Up
Dating takes effort and energy. Once you understand your needs and what you’re actually looking for when dating, it’s exciting and fun when you match with a person. When whatever the relationship is doesn’t work out, it’s disappointing no matter how brief the relationship was. It can be discouraging. How you approach and process the breakup will impact how you move forward. Will you focus on the negative and cast the relationship as a failure? Will you allow disappointment to ferment blame and bitterness? Will you give up on dating? Or, will you work to understand and learn from what you experienced? What part did your actions play in the outcome? What could you do differently next time? What takeaways will put you in a better position to move on with dating when you feel ready?
Remember, when you are ready there will be no shortage of potential matches. As an expat living in Portugal, your dating pool is a vast international sea of people of all ages. Breaking up does not mean giving up.
Instead of looking at difficulties as deprivations, we can learn to recognize them as opportunities for deepening and widening our love.
Eknath Easwaran
Thank you, Namorado!
It was an absolute joy meeting this man. We had the best conversations ever! Despite our different languages, we shared in an open and honest and vulnerable way. There was a clarity and closeness I’d not known before as we shared our needs and fears, challenges and flaws. There was no reading between the lines (but lots of reading between the translation apps). Just unvarnished truth and feelings. This changed me. He changed me. Obrigada, o meu amor ❤️.
A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions.
Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
Stories end. Stories change. But stories are never over. They linger in the shadows.
"I choose to hold you not in my arms, but in the corridors of memories where your presence lingers, a delicate echo of shared moments"
~ Poet and blogger Dawn Minott of Created by Deesign wrote these poignant words as part of her stunning poem, Echoes of Surrender. Read her full poem here.
Cheers to the journey and keeping my resolutions! I’m also toasting my three-year anniversary as a blogger. I launched thehotgoddess.com for my 61st birthday in February 2021.
Thank you for reading! 💜 This is the last post for February, as I will be traveling in the Middle East. I hope you’ll join me back here in March.
If you enjoyed this please remember to Share, Like, Follow, Comment, Subscribe. (This is my “call to action” I’m supposed to include in every post. Thanks so much for your support!) ❤
The Hot Goddess 