The first thing I noticed when I began dating online after moving to Portugal as an over-60 solo expat was how many men are from countries outside of Portugal. Some Americans, but many from former Portuguese colonies — Brazil, Angola, Mozambique, Cape Verde — and also from England and countries throughout the European Union. There are tons of these foreigners in every age bracket, on all the dating apps, who are looking to meet women here in Portugal. I like this diversity. During my first year here, I dated these foreign guys almost exclusively because I am too tall for most Portuguese men. I quickly realized there were three questions I needed to ask foreign men here before agreeing to meet.

1

Do you live here in Portugal? Many men who are dating online here actually live in other European countries and just come to Portugal to play in the sun for a couple months or so. Some state this in their profile, but not always. Many are always dating in travel mode, collecting FWBs or FBs as souvenirs. I’m fine with that for casual, no-strings dating. Not great if you’re hoping for a committed relationship. Maybe he’ll ask you to travel with him. Maybe not.

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2

Are you currently in a committed relationship with a Wife, Girlfriend, or Significant Other? Polyamory is mainstream. It and other types of “ethical non-monogamy” are thrown about frequently on dating profiles here — something I didn’t notice so much when I lived in the States. Did you know that an upside-down pineapple is a code used by swingers in the United States and, apparently, in Europe to show they are interested in swapping partners? Silly me. I thought the guy just had an endearing sense of whimsy.

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I know that swinging and polyamory are not the same thing. I also know they are not the same as consensual casual dating or an FWB relationship, both of which are non-exclusive arrangements that also fall under the “ethical non-monogamy” umbrella. I’m comfortable with casual dating or an FWB because nobody is in love; nobody is married or committed. I am not judging anyone’s informed choices. But, for me, swinging and polyamory are fraught with potential messiness I do not want to be bothered with. I say this as a former unknowing participant in non-ethical non-monogamy with a side of polyassholery.

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3

Are you renting, or did you decide to buy a home here? This will help you determine if they are living in a building, or in a vehicle, or a tent. When you live on the coast where there are lots of surfer dudes dating online, “I live on the beach” can mean he sleeps in a sleeping bag on the beach. I’ve had first dates with men my age and younger who, unbeknownst to me initially, live in their car, in a utility van, and in a yurt.

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I once spent a delightful morning and afternoon on a first date with a tall, handsome expat who brought me roses, treated me to breakfast, and took me on an enjoyable walking tour. He then offered to bake me homemade brownies. In his solar oven. On the dashboard of his Toyota car.

The car in which he lived.

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As we made our way back to our morning meeting spot, I walked in stunned silence at this deal-breaking revelation while he chirped merrily away, proudly detailing his Prius-to-dwelling conversion hacks. Impressive. Being European, he had even equipped his car/home with a bidet crafted from recycled plastic water bottles. It was all truly fascinating. But, alas, not for me. Call me superficial. Call me gone. Just don’t call me.

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Dating profile code phrases that can tip you off to a less than ideal (for me, anyway) home situation include:

• “nomad lifestyle“

• “off the grid“

• “rebelling against capitalism“

• “no longer a prisoner of materialism“

• “embracing minimalism“

Often, these phrases make a profile appearance with an accompanying tone of smug “look-at-me-saving-the-planet-and-all” superiority. Yeah…nope. No thank you. I’m not judging anyone’s lifestyle choices or circumstances. I’m just saying that having a toilet and shower plumbed indoors is a dating preference for me.

That, and don’t come around me with any damn pineapples.

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Dating Updates

The short-lived Diving Into Dating Abroad monthly guest column on THG sank after two of my invited columnists moved out of Portugal for work reasons, and another is currently traveling “on an adventure with a boy” (she means a man) and no longer available to write. My friend, inaugural DIDA columnist, and over-60 dating guru Esmeralda recently advised me not to write about my dating relationship, “because not everyone will be happy for you.” I assured her that I have no intention of chronicling any relationship here following my first exclusive relationship as an expat/immigrant in Portugal.

I’d never before written specifically about any dating relationship and did so for the first time last year, with permission, only because my namorado was a Portuguese man who does not speak English. Now, detailing any subsequent relationship here on THG would serve no purpose. I will say I am no longer using any of the online dating sites. They accomplished what they are supposed to, and I don’t need them anymore. They worked for me because I stayed positive and open, consistent with the advice given here by DIDA columnists. Life and love are good.

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FUN DATE-NIGHT FACT:

Did you know that August 8 is International Female Orgasm Day? National Orgasm Day was July 31 in the USA, UK, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands, and South Africa.

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If you are an expat/immigrant living in Portugal with a positive dating story to share, please send me an email. Everyone’s true dating story is welcome.

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Thank you for reading! ❤️ May your weekend find you uplifted by self-love, the most important love of all.

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The Hot Goddess

Instagram: retired_rewired_inspired

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