Since Election Day in the U.S. this month, inquiries about getting the fuck outta leaving the United States have zoomed through the roof, and one of the common questions is how am I dealing with learning the language here in Portugal. Below, I’m reposting a THG article on learning Portuguese that was originally published last year. Reading it, I was struck by how little I’ve progressed in a year. Then it hit me.

I study language the same way I used to date. Non-committed (but with a heaping side of overthinking), fickle, quick to lose interest and move on, and hypervigilant for any sign of trouble. Always a sucker for BDE — big diction energy — I am drawn to any word that’s easy to pronounce, easy to use, easy to have my way with.

I will smile and flirt and dance with words. My promiscuous inner language ho leans into lustful lexicon hotties while snubbing serious syntax steadies.

The Hot Goddess

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I will smile and flirt and dance with words. My promiscuous inner language ho leans into lustful lexicon hotties while snubbing serious syntax steadies. Memorizing grammar rules is work. It requires commitment and exclusivity. Focus. That’s not fun. Não regras de gramática para mim. And, just like that, I will move on to the next exciting new thing.

Always a sucker for BDE — big diction energy — I am drawn to any word that’s easy to pronounce, easy to use, easy to have my way with.

The Hot Goddess

OK, yeah, Portuguese remains my number-one squeeze. More than just an LWB. Mais ou menos. I mean, we do live together, after all. It’s just that, well, the faíscas… The sparks just ain’t what they used to be. Portuguese is so moody, so changeable, with no rhyme or reason. It always keeps me guessing with so many layers of unnecessarily complicated requirements to keep it happy. So I creep into bed with German and French — sometimes both together in a frenzied cluster fuck threesome — to feed my ho-ish desire for something new and easy. And let me tell you, so far, both of my new LWB cuties are waaaayyyy easier than high-maintenance, demanding Portuguese.

But, even though I don’t do commitment well, you can teach an old ho new tricks, and I am sticking with my Portuguese learning. I have inspiration, motivation, and accountability partners all around me.

My soup-making boyfriend is German and speaks five languages. He’s been living in Portugal for two years, but coming here regularly for 10 years. He’s at a B2 level of Portuguese. An American friend who has lived here two years already tests at level B2 and is taking an intermediate college course in Portuguese. And another American friend who moved here a year ago is taking the government-sponsored A2 course at a school, every day for two hours over four months. That is commitment. My boyfriend wants us to take this course — he at B2 while I do the A2 classes — but neither of us wants to sit in a classroom for two hours five days a week for 16 weeks. Sorry, Portuguese. This is why I don’t settle down in a committed language relationship. Couples therapy is a bitch. Time-consuming, painful, and too much stuff to work on at home.

“Heyyy, French, c’est moi, Natalie. Comment ça va? Wanna play?” “Hallo, German LWB. Wie gehts? Wanna have some fun?”

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For now, my old L-Ho butt is continuing to play the linguistics field while making sure I can communicate well enough in Portuguese to get what I need when I need it. Verb tenses be damned.

I recently spent four days near Lisbon dog-sitting for the American friend who is taking the long-ass extensive A2 course. While she was out of town, I stayed at her apartment in a Portuguese-only neighborhood. Her adorable dog was a conversation magnet for every senior citizen with and without a dog.

One conversation was particularly lengthy. A friendly gentleman approached with his larger, leashed dog and asked if my friend’s dog was a cão or cadela. I understood that he was asking if the dog was male or female. Cadela translates to bitch, and is correctly used for female dogs. I learned this early on, when a guy on one of the dating apps messaged me something about “minha cadela.” When I looked the word up in my translator and saw the translation, I was like, “Ohh, hellll no! ‘My bitch?’ Who is he calling a bitch?” Then I found out he was talking about his female dog. Oops. Desculpe.

Anywho… Conversation with this particular man, who had a cão, went on and on. We talked about his first girlfriend, named Natália. We talked about Trump, Russia, Ukraine, Israel, Palestine, and Lebanon. I understood fewer than 50 percent of his words, but got enough of the gist to respond in basic word-chunks (“sentences” would be an overstatement) and to understand that our opinions were in agreement. I knew how to ask if we could move to the shade, and how to say, finally, that we (cadela and I) needed to go. What I didn’t say was that while a dog can simply do its business outside on the grass, this old cadela needed to get her over-60 bladder inside to a toilet.

On another day there, I locked myself and the dog out of my friend’s apartment. I had just come back from lunch with the American friend who’s taking the level B2 college course. I was talking on the phone with my boyfriend, who was out of the country, as I leashed the dog and took her out of the apartment door for a walk, realizing too late that the keys to the self-locking door and the building were still inside the apartment. Merda. My days of multi-tasking are gone. Talk on the phone and walk out of a door with a dog and keys at the same time? Nope.

Luckily, it wasn’t after 5 p.m., I had my phone, I still had my purse on me from lunch, and I realized my mistake before exiting the building. I was able to ask for help from a Portuguese-speaking couple who directed me to the apartment of the condo representative. That woman spoke some English and told me there was a locksmith shop at a nearby mall. I found the shop on Google Maps and called the number listed. I was thrilled the shop was still open for the day and excitedly explained what I needed in Portuguese to the man who answered the phone. What I couldn’t do was understand what the hell he was asking me in rapid Portuguese over the phone. When I asked if he could speak slower, he hung up.

The kind condo rep then called him and, after some animated discussion, she told me he was on his way to help me and would charge me 75 euros. Não problema.

We met him in the lobby, and as we and the dog rode up the elevator together, I could understand when he asked the condo rep in Portuguese if I was the owner of the apartment. I understood when she replied in Portuguese that she knew the dog and the owner and that I was a friend of the owner and caring for her dog. I understood when she asked him who would bring a dog to break into an apartment.

I also understood when he told the condo rep that he does not speak English because foreigners who come here to Portugal should learn to speak Portuguese. I understood when he said if people go to France they need to learn French, and if they go to Portugal they need to learn Portuguese.

Now, if there’s any cure for my overthinking and the resulting excruciatingly slow Portuguese that comes out of my mouth in over-considered bits and burps when I try to speak a sentence, it’s me getting pissed off. So, the Portuguese-speaking Brazilian locksmith understood me clearly when I told him in fluent-ish Portuguese, “I am learning Portuguese. I don’t yet speak very well, but I am trying. Nice people here want to help me practice by speaking slowly.” When he tried to interrupt me, I raised my voice and continued in Portuguese, “I am learning Portuguese! I am trying. And I am also learning French.”

I did not add the “Foda-se, cabrão” that I was thinking. I knew not to tell the man I needed to get me into the apartment, “Fuck you, asshole.”

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Still here? Ótimo! Without further delay, here is the aforementioned repost. There are links to language-learning resources at the end. If you are planning or considering a move to Portugal and have questions about how to prepare by starting to learn the language, this post has helpful information. This post also has another of my language-learning hacks.

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Learning to Speak Portuguese Without Sounding Like an Idiot ~ Midlife Expat Learning

I wrote a blog article last year on interesting facts about the Portuguese language. It is spoken by more than 265 million people and is the most widely spoken language in the southern hemisphere.

The people of Portugal, who make up a small percentage of these speakers, use European Portuguese. The people of Brazil, who comprise the greatest percentage of Portuguese speakers, use Brazilian Portuguese. The two are similar but have key differences. Brazilian Portuguese is easier and has rules that make more sense.

Don’t come over here thinking all you need to know is whatever Spanish you’ve picked up. Folks from here do not speak Spanish — even if they know how — and may consider it insulting. The two languages share some words (yes, please), but most are very different. Remember this delivery notice from Amazon Spain?

Speaking Caveman

David Sedaris, in Me Talk Pretty One Day, describes what it was like learning French after he moved to France. Like me, he stopped talking for a while out of fear of mispronouncing words. “It’s all I can do to remember how to recite my zip code, let alone an entire conversation,” he wrote. He describes two kinds of French. We have those same two kinds of Portuguese: the easy kind and the hard kind. The easy kind, Sedaris aptly explains, is when you yell in English slowly and as loud as you can. The hard kind is when you conjugate verbs and put them with other words to make sentences:

“I go him say good afternoon. No, not to him I no go it him say now.”

David Sedaris

This is exactly how my translated Portuguese sentences sound. Caveman speak. “Me want to dinner with friends new this yesterday.” Except when ordering bottles of wine. I can do that perfectly. Cocktails too.

Options for Learning Portuguese

I began studying Portuguese while still in the United States, using the free Duolingo app. After I found out Duolingo was Brazilian Portuguese, I began using Practice Portuguese and various other YouTube tutorials. After I arrived here, I started the basically free in-person classes offered at the senior citizens academy in my village. The course follows the public school calendar, running from September to June. When I started in November, the class had already moved too far along for me, so I didn’t return after winter break.

Instead, I found a private tutor through iTalki.com and purchased five weekly conversation lessons. After those lessons, I wanted a more intensive, daily class, and found several online group options through various government-accredited schools and universities. I chose a brick-and-mortar language school in Lisbon that offered online options and, after taking a required placement test, was enrolled in a 20-hour, two-week “intensive course” at level A2.

Let’s just say I’ve forgotten most of level A1, so when a minha professora reviewed A1 grammar on the first day, I was like, “Oh merda.” Two hours a day without a break during lessons was hard for me, and retention was low after the first hour every day. I spent another two hours each evening doing homework and studying.

Before I continue with the second 20-hour A2 module, I’m working in my workbooks to review new and old learning. In September, I may enroll in a free government-sponsored course for foreigners, which, like the senior citizens academy, follows the academic calendar and will run until June of the next year. Eventually, some of this stuff will stick. Until then, it’s learn, practice, review, repeat.

I’m actually pretty good at understanding written Portuguese, and am getting additional practice with books I checked out of our local library using my new library card.

I’m also continuing to get help from my 6-year-old neighbor and pequena professora. She illustrated these “flashcards” of body parts for me. Practice makes perfect.

My Favorite Words

Links to Resources

• Online language tutors
• List of language schools
• List of online language courses

Stay Tuned

Moving to another country is a complex process, and information can change quickly without notice. Everyone’s experience can be different. I’m remembering to take it all in stride, stay flexible, prepared, pivot-ready, and positive. Stay tuned.

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Midlife Expat Learning Posts

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Thank you for reading! ❤️ May your weekend find you learning something new and having fun with it.

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The Hot Goddess

Instagram: retired_rewired_inspired

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