Midlife Love Letter in Portugal

My dear GB (German Bae),

Today at dawn, as I eased gently into my morning the way I always do in solitude, something amazing happened.

You know how I like to begin my day at home alone, babe, listening to meditative music through my clunky noise-canceling headphones while gazing out at the ocean from my window. You understand how this listening meditation practice helps clear space amid the relentless chatter in my brain. Space for mindfulness, for gratitude, for self-awareness.

Well, today’s early-morning January sky was a dull gray, heavy with dark, swollen clouds. As I listened to a new morning meditation song, the melody gradually reached a crescendo. At the exact same moment that the music swelled and the string orchestra made its glorious appeal, the clouds suddenly parted in the sky and the sun rose above the rooftops to bathe the wall of my veranda in a glowing light, painting the cream-colored stucco a spectacular, deep pinkish-gold. The color I imagine love would be if it were a crayon with which we could color the world. It was a stunning alignment of soaring music and emerging light and color. A gorgeous visual display with a perfectly timed musical score. It first took my breath away, and then quickly brought a rush of emotions charging into my chest before releasing into tingling chills and, finally, tears.

Tears of sadness for my mother and my father, who will never see this with me. Tears of disappointment for my son, who has yet to see this with me. But, most of all, tears of joy and gratitude for you, GB, the one who continues to see me — all of me — through the shining light of your love. Obrigada, o amor da minha vida. Ich liebe dich.

The mornings we wake together are sublime and carry me on a wave of giddiness throughout our separate days of living apart. In this way, you are always with me, even as we each relish our own space and the comforting presence of solitude. You understand and accept me as I am, without judgment or a need to change or control me. That is rare, and I cherish it more than I can put into words. Thank you isn’t enough, but thank you nonetheless.

We often speak to each other without saying a word, don’t we? Though we know how to communicate using words of connection. I am amazed at how we can talk about anything, even when emotions are prickly and our path feels momentarily steep. We love through it all.

“What’s on your mind that you haven’t said out loud?”

“How upset are you on a scale from 1 to 10?”

“When you’re feeling stressed, what kind of love do you need?”

“Help me understand.”

“Can you tell me what you need from me now?”

“I’m sorry that I ___. I was wrong.”

“I am on your side. I love you.”

“Thank you. I appreciate you and all the ways you show your love.”

These deceptively simple words can be awfully difficult. Difficult to say for one reason or another. Difficult to mean for no reason that’s any good. But not with us, and that is something I have never experienced before meeting you. Of course, I have had relationships with loving men before. But I could never be what they needed me to be. You, querido, want and love me exactly as I am. What a rare, unexpected gift this has been. I never dreamed I would find it here in Portugal. I never dreamed I would find it at my age. I never dreamed I would leave home and then find home in your heart.

You are an inspiration, liebchen. I marvel at your steadiness, your unwavering calm, your care and thoughtfulness you show everyone around you. Your tenacious positivity is a relentless protector of joyful possibilities. Thank you for being you.

As we celebrate our two years together as a couple and your 68 years of being alive, I am filled with excitement, happiness, anticipation, passion, contentment, and a love that defies insecurity and doubt. A love bolstered by previously elusive certainty. I am filled with a love like no other. I am filled with a love that is you.

Here’s to more years together, my wonderful GB.

Amo-te muito,

Natalie

OK, OK. You know me so well, meu amor. You know I can’t just leave it all mushy, with me pouring my heart out all over the Internet for anybody to see, right? You know I have to make a little jokey-joke at my own expense, so I don’t end on a vulnerable note, right? You know how I am. I love you for that.