the hot goddess

An April Fool in Portugal

Today is April Fools’ Day in countries around the world. In Portugal and Brazil it’s called Dia das Mentiras (Day of Lies). Today also marks exactly six months since I immigrated to Portugal as a solo expat retiree. No lie. I’ve been in my new home for half a year. Well damn.

I had all kinds of visions in my head about how life would be here. So many goals fantasies for my days and nights living on the coast of Portugal where farm meets sea. Some of those fantasies have come true, mais ou menos (more or less). Others…well, not so much.

To celebrate this Day of Lies, I thought I’d share some lies fantasies I believed about starting my new life here in Portugal.

Lie:

I will spend my days gliding over warm cobblestone paths wearing breezy sundresses and strappy sandals, with a floppy straw hat and sunglasses for the hot coastal sun. For longer trips, my sundress and I might pedal a pastel-colored bicycle with a flower-adorned basket through the winding village roads. Or perhaps we’ll zip through the village on a snazzy poppy-red Vespa, with a silk scarf around my neck, billowing behind me in a trail of glamor.

Truth:

April Fool! I wear leggings and sneakers every single day. Unless it’s raining. Then I wear leggings and mud boots. I walk about 10 km roundtrip to town and back. Half of that is on dirt “roads” and steep cliff paths. I’ve seen the way people drive the hilly, winding, narrow streets here, and there’s no way in hell I’m riding a bike or scooter in the same space as those drivers.

Lie:

My sundress and I will go shopping daily, with a fetching straw basket looped over my arm. First, we’ll stop at the farmers market for just-picked greens, vegetables, and fruits. Then on to the fish market by the sea for the catch of the day. Finally, on to the bakery for freshly baked bread. I will eat only fresh meals prepared with farm- and sea-to-table food.

Truth:

April Fool! A couple of weeks ago, I ate a bag of sour gummy worms and a can of paprika-flavored Pringles. For dinner. I order all my groceries from a local supermarket that delivers my food, wine, and liquor to my door. The delivery man is on my WhatsApp and on speed-dial on my phone.

Lie:

I will cook! I’ll be cleaning and deboning whole, fresh fish. With heads and eyes and everything. I’ll be grilling seafood. Shrimp. Squid and octopus. I’ll be taking baking classes to master preparing those egg yolky Portuguese sweets.

Truth:

Hahahahaha! WTF?! Yeah, right. APRIL FOOL!!

Lie:

I will have dinner parties on my terrace and invite my neighbors and new friends to thank them for their help and kindness.

Truth:

April Fool! I have three friends here, and two neighbors who actually live here full time. I thank them with bottles of wine and booze. Delivered by my speed-dial guy. I can pretty much guarantee that I will die having never hosted a frippin’ dinner party on a terrace in Portugal.

Lie:

I will master the European Portuguese language and converse almost fluently with shopkeepers and village folk.

Truth:

Not even close, you April, May, June, and July Fool. I have forgotten more words than I’ve mastered. Yesterday, I confused the word for “tired” (cansado) with the word for “married” (casado). I’ve been sick with bronchitis and was trying to tell a Portuguese dude from a dating site that I hadn’t responded earlier because I was tired. Oops. Later this month, I will begin daily online lessons for two hours a day. The language school gave me a placement test and put me in a level A2 class. I think that’s bull and they just want my money. I am super nervous about how this group class will go down, and am pretty sure I’ll be kicked back to A1 or worse.

Lie:

I will rise at 6AM every day to meditate and do yoga on my terrace overlooking the sea. Then I will write for six hours, typing on my laptop at my white lacquered desk in my third-floor, aromatherapied studio overlooking the sea.

Truth:

April Foolery indeed! There is nothing happening on my terrace overlooking the sea, thanks to the spiders and slugs the size of Cuban cigars that call my terrace home. I write on my cell phone sitting on the sofa in my lounge. I still haven’t bought a desk, and no one has been on the third floor since my friends visited from the U.S. in December.

More Truth:

There have been some things I told myself about my new life in Portugal that have come true. Wild (stray) dogs have scared the crap out of me. I’ve hosted multiple guests in my three-bedroom, four-bathroom townhouse. Friends from the U.S., and a Swedish guy who way overstayed. Come to think of it, I met another Swedish guy and he asked if he could come stay for a visit too. What’s up with Swedish dudes?

Crescent moon in Teide National Park
Big Dipper in Teide National Park

Finally, another truth I’ve been tickled with is easy travel. I returned from Tenerife earlier this week, with bronchitis in tow. I’d hoped to see the Milky Way in Teide National Park, one of the top Milky Way viewing spots in the world. I didn’t see it, which was disappointing. I got sick, which is a pain. I also got homesick — for my new home in Portugal.

That is a sign I made the right decision to move here. That is truth. No April Fooling. I absolutely love Portugal.

All images are my own.

The Hot Goddess

Instagram: retired_rewired_inspired

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36 comments

  3. Day of Lies, I love that way of saying it. Natalie, it sounds like the underlying foundations for your move have been well met. Your “Lies” are similar to the “Lies” we all imagine for ourselves all the time, and your reality sounds normal and healthy! 😊

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  6. A lovely and humorous post, Natalie. The fantasies “lies” you shared here are what we often see in movies. But there’s beauty found in the truth of no longer being a tourist, and embracing life for what it is. Here’s to half a year in your new home!

    LOL…”What’s up with Swedish dudes?” 😀 Cold, dark and long Nordic winters are no joke. I’m not surprised your sunny Portugal is appealing!

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    • Thank you for your perceptive words, Khaya! ❤️ The truth is always more beautiful, though not necessarily a more appealing experience, because that’s where growth waits. I am enjoying embracing life here as a resident on my own terms.
      And you’re right about those Swedes, except they both have their own homes in Portugal. Go home, boy, go home 😁👋🏽

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  7. Wow Natalie, I can’t believe it’s been six months! I love all your Lies & Truths… my fantasies usually get scaled way down because it usually takes too much effort to make them come true! 😂 I’m looking forward to hearing about the next six months 🙂

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  11. You are so funny, Natalie! Love your sarcastic (and authentically truthful) sense of humor! Dia das Mentiras sounds more serious and consequential than April Fools. 😆 You might not be achieving all of your goals at a pace you’d prefer, but look at all you’ve accomplished, and, in many eyes, you are living the dream. ✨ Watch out for the wild dogs and the Swedish dudes. 😁

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  14. What a great post, Natalie! We’d probably all be happier if we compared our lies and truths more often. Those pictures of the moon and big dipper are stunning but I’m sorry they came with a case of bronchitis.

    6 months already? Wow! I’d say the truth is that you have done an amazing job to settle in and get acclimated in that time! No wonder you were too tired to go on a date with that guy. 🙂

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    • Thank you so much, Wynne! ❤️ Yes, I agree with you about the happiness-value of periodic truth checks. I’m trying to adjust expectations and appreciate reality more in all areas of life. Still a work in progress, though 😁

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