Diving Into Dating Abroad is a monthly guest post to inspire single expat women who are living and dating in Portugal. Join us every second Friday of the month to hear from women in their 30s, 40s, 50s, and 60s who have positive messages, funny stories, and encouraging advice for meeting and dating people as an immigrant in Portugal. Names have been changed by request to protect privacy.

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Today’s unedited guest post was written by “Esmeralda,” 62, a Black American midlife retiree who moved to Portugal in 2020.

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ACCEPTANCE, ATTITUDE & APPROACH – Lessons Learned From Dating Abroad After 60

One year after moving from the US to Portugal to begin my early retirement life adventure, I decided that it was time to stop “importing” dates and venture out into the local landscape instead. My last regular foray in the dating world was as a young professional with hi-pot career in the late 80s & 90s before my 20+ year now-dissolved marriage. To say I was “rusty” post-divorce 4 years ago is an understatement.

However, since my divorce, I’ve managed to meet a few decent prospects through friends, on the golf course and using a particular dating app, that ultimately ferreted out 2 funny accomplished mid-career southern gentlemen into my life pre-relocation. Some were looking for a wife, others a booty call, and the majority a “serious relationship.” Marriage was the last thing I was interested in at this juncture, so their busy work lives made our meetings fun, easy, and irregular. I wanted this in my new immigrant lifestyle — minus the irregularity.

Wrapping up my home sale and relocation abroad details proved much easier than wrapping up my US personal affairs and relationships. For a minute, it was exciting and comfortable to have the men I dated in the US travel to visit me in my new homeland. Playing tour guide, babbling on about all my new discoveries and cultural adjustments, and the occasional faux pas was fun while it lasted. But what was the point? Each American male visitor had known of my plans to leave the US for over 2 years and encouraged me to “live your best life.” None expressed any serious interest in considering eventually doing the same. Accepting this fact was the catalyst to cut romantic ties and begin anew.

This acceptance helped me to develop a new attitude about my dating objectives and a new approach to managing my expectations and happiness in this realm meeting Portugal residents. The dating “destination” for me right now is not marriage. Rather, it is a winding pathway that introduces me to a panoply of people who can enrich my life, provide comic relief and/or serve as an occasional companion. Right now, my attitude is laid back curiosity. There’s no need to define any single or repeated entanglements or interactions. I’m in full discovery mode with a dose of laissez faire. I no longer feel the need to to decide what to call a man whom I’ve seen repeatedly. Labels no longer matter to me. I am creating a book of memories of moments in time that bring me joy on this journey called life. Here’s what I have learned that might help you.

DATING PROFILE OR IN-PERSON VETTING TIPS:

If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. I adapted my previous ways of finding dating prospects in the US and added Bumble and Facebook dating apps to the mix.  They are global apps that track your location and instantly provide you with prospects where you reside or where you might be traveling throughout Europe or elsewhere (unless you turn that feature off).  There are many others if these don’t help you find a deep dating pool.

Focus your dating profile on who YOU are, NOT on who/what you want him to be. Keep your profile text short, positive and all about you! Tell readers who you are and what you like. I got out of the habit of describing who I wanted them to be. When they cannot parrot back my “job description,” it yields more authenticity. For example, “I’m an American well traveled early retired professor and museum lover who takes long walks and plays tennis occasionally to work off the delicious Portuguese pastries I’ve come to enjoy. Fluent in X [list language/s] and studying Portuguese. Portugal fascinates me because….[fill in the blank].”

Remember, you are “fishing where the fish are.” It’s a big ocean. Be prepared for a deluge of “likes,” “matches,” or “waves” once your profile is live. If you don’t get immediate multiple daily responses, tweak or shorten your profile text. Don’t overthink passing on anyone who raises a doubt, concern or does not immediately appeal to you. There will be more fish in the sea to consider.

No picture, no reply. Pictures with his kids, pets, mom or other men (which one are you?), no reply. I don’t want to date any of those people in the photo with you and seeing them means –to me– that I will not be as much of a priority as whomever/whatever is featured in his profile photos. No thank you. Remember these same rules apply to a woman’s profile as well. People want to date you, not your dog/cat.

Embrace diversity, if you dare! Diversity, equity, and inclusion (“DEI”) are drivers in many countries’ core business values for a reason. They help drive better decision-making and results, higher customer satisfaction, and often higher profits. We can apply this DEI focus to our dating life as well for a fuller, richer experience.

One of my companions, a 49-year-old private pilot from the Alentejo (never married and no kids) speaks 3 languages, so we can laugh and joke in any of them. He’s worldly and well educated but really is a Portuguese country boy at heart. Our conversation, dates, and visits to his hometown are never dull.

Remember that Lisbon is a capital city and also a global or regional headquarters for many businesses in virtually every continent. As a result, there are many more eligible men of varying nationalities living and working here and throughout Portugal. If you do not speak Portuguese well yet or at all, it’s not a big impediment. Of course, there’s been a huge influx of all hues of North Americans and men from the UK relocating to Portugal as digital nomads or recent retirees landing every day. So there also is an influx of English-speaking people making Portugal their home. For all these reasons, you still have reasonable chances of finding someone with whom communication won’t be a kabuki act or pantomime session.

Opening yourself to possibilities is a way to delight in your new country, learn about the culture, forge new friendships, maybe meet a compatible companion, and definitely have fun!

Age, at a certain point, really is just a number. I am discovering that some men 10-15 years my junior are emotionally mature and financially stable enough to engage with “a woman of a certain age.” Actually, younger ones can be more whimsical and fun than men closer to my own age. If your profile lists your age and a man asks about it, the question HE wants to know is, “Do YOU have an issue with age?”. It’s very likely he does not. Work through this. Adjust your attitude so you don’t self-sabotage by constantly drawing attention to the age difference. Once you get over it, you won’t look back!

Always put your personal safety first.

• Get vaccinated (COVID and FLU).
• Practice safe sex. Check the expiration date on those condoms. (How long have you had them in your nightstand?)
• Let a trusted friend know your whereabouts and check in when you arrive & return from a date.
• Or, leave a note on your kitchen counter with date, name and cell of the person you are meeting, location of date and your expected return date/time.
• Until you feel comfortable otherwise, always meet in public places.
• If you think you will see him again, take a selfie at some point and find a way to see his national ID or passport (E.g., jokingly …”you can’t be this young/old…let me see proof”…haha…”let’s take a selfie”…haha…”your ID makes you look so young and me like I’m robbing the cradle”..haha…snap, snap.) Text it to a trusted friend. This is overkill considering the culture, but might be useful for some.
• Keep the initial dates simple, e.g., a walk along the river or in a park, or meet for coffee at quaint or neighborhood café.
• Always ensure your personal safety.
• “No” means “no” in any language and culture.

You are no longer in Kansas, Dorothy. Don’t let analysis paralysis keep you from enjoying the unknown of new adventures and interactions. It may take a “phase-in” period to get off anxiety “high alert,” as we tend to be in the US, where our tendency sometimes is immediate distrust and suspicion of people, rather than openness and curiosity. It takes some time to recognize and admit that Portugal’s people are different. In general, people are not trying to “get over” or take advantage of you. Americans tend to distrust most everyone. I have found that here, locals tend to “assume positive intent,” or “trust first, verify second.” Their way is a much more civil and less stressful approach.

Also be mindful that the median salary here is significantly less than North American standards, so lunch or dinner might be much for the first outing, depending upon his means. Be open to “practicing” dating people who might not be your ideal date, to get more comfortable and gain confidence that it’s not as hard as you think. Having a 15-minute coffee with someone you vet on the phone or by text might be just the break or change of routine you need. Sometimes you can’t judge a book by its cover. After accepting a coffee invitation, however, you will know whether you want to read the next chapter or put him in the return bin right away.

The only thing I know for sure is that meeting locals and finding suitable men to date has been a welcome adventure. Enjoy this photo of a coffee date that blossomed into a friendship and more. Maybe you will be so lucky to find a guy who spends the day with you at the beach and brings home octopus to cook for you.

Opening yourself to the possibilities is a way to delight in your new country, learn about the culture, forge new friendships, maybe meet a compatible companion, and definitely have fun! As a new resident in Portugal or whatever country you choose to call home, just “dive in the deep end and start swimming.” Joy is in the journey.

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Thank you, Esmeralda

If you are single and trying to date — in Portugal or anywhere — surrounding yourself with “Esmeraldas” is key. Positive vibes, encouraging spirit, and a fun outlook are so important for maintaining the optimum mindset for meeting and dating new people. It’s easy to be negative about dating. I love and am inspired by Esmeralda’s fun, confident energy. Thank you, Esmeralda!

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Thank you for reading 💜. Next month’s DIDA will feature a Q&A with “Gemma,” a Swedish expat in her 30s.

Happy Friday! May your weekend find you smiling.

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The Hot Goddess

Instagram: retired_rewired_inspired

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