the hot goddess

A Puckish Poet in Portugal

As National Poetry Month draws to a close in the United States, I thought I’d mark the final days with this updated post from last spring.

In the spirit of poetry, I’m sharing a few more midlife lessons learned in Portugal as a not-so-smart expat, this time in the form of a cheeky, not-so-good poem. You can read it below, or listen to my first-ever audio recording. Deepest apologies to all true poets.

I've learned a lesson,
Maybe more than two,
Because of the stupid shit,
I have gone through.

First there were symbols,
On my washing machine.
Just dumbass pictures,
I'd never before seen.

I should've done research,
So that I would know,
In which fucking compartment, 
The detergent should go.

But, I decided,
I was way too smart,
To look stuff up,
Before pressing start.

And that's how it went,
For six months and one day,
Until I realized something, 
That blew me away.

The symbol I'd thought,
Was supposed to mean soap,
Was really a flower.
For detergent? Nope!

Yes, that's right,
I'm here to say,
My clothes were washed in plain water,
But rinsed in soap each laundry day.

And then there's spring,
In this sunny foreign land,
With swallows and spiders,
From tiny to muito grande.

Mãe Nature's bird-n-bug combos,
I also have to say,
Can really screw up,
Outdoor laundry-drying day.

From black and white bird poo, 
To red spiders that bite,
Spring's wonders bring stains,
To laundry drying in sunlight.

Now, I try hard to time, 
My clothes-washing days,
To take full advantage, 
Of the sun's hot rays.

But this spring crap has me,
Just singing the blues.
Oh why oh why,
Is there no dryer to use.

But wait, just wait,
Here's a clever thought.
Why not spray the outdoor area 
With the bug killer I bought.

That at least would repel,
All the spiders and flies.
I'd just need to be careful, though,
Not to spray the toxin in my eyes.

So the next laundry day,
That's what I decided to do.
Unfortunately I forgot to do it,
Before the laundry was outside too.

No problem, I got this.
I can spray quite carefully.
I pressed the nozzle and out it shot,
Bug killer on my clothes and me.

And now finally I'll end,
With the high price of gas.
Not the fuel you pump,
Though both leave me aghast.

No, I mean the gas we create,
Those farts that we blow,
More frequently in midlife,
Why, I do not know. 

Oh stinky, stinky farts,
You cost me so much!
Coming at the wrong time,
On dates, in cars, and such.

I went out to dinner,
With a woman friend here.
What the hell was I thinking, 
Ordering that spicy paneer.

For in her small car,
On the hilly ride back,
My gas started making,
Its own silent track.

I clenched and shifted,
Trying hard to be discreet.
Though suppressing gas,
We know is a Herculean feat.

But here's what I learned,
As the gross scent did hover:
Driving through farmland in spring,
Is a fantastic fart cover!

"Oh god, do you smell that?!"
My friend groaned with a start.
I slumped down low in my seat, 
Silently cursing my fart.

"They fertilize with manure here,"
Said my unknowing friend.
Then she closed the car windows,
Which I quickly opened again. 

"That's OK," I said,
Now talking pure shit.
"I love the smell of farms,"
I lied, letting another one rip.

My Portugal expat lessons,
Really, the main two:
Always research symbols,
And pray for cow doo-doo.

Poets, Freedom, and Reading

While Portugal has a national holiday that celebrates a poet in June, yesterday, April 25, was a national holiday that marked the 50th anniversary of Portugal’s revolution. Freedom Day, which commemorates Revolução dos Cravos (Carnation Revolution), was observed by my village’s local library with a tribute to reading as freedom. Rolinhos com Letras (Rolls with Letters) are tiny scrolls with quotations from famous Portuguese poets and authors. Hundreds of the small rolls of paper were distributed throughout the village. A kind stranger sitting next to me in a sidewalk cafe gave me this one.

This was given to me tightly rolled and tied with red string.
Notice from the village website
Translations

Thank you for reading! ❤️ May your weekend find you free to do what you love, grateful for all you have, and laughing at small troubles.

This photo is related to content in my puckish poem. I’ll let you figure out how it’s connected.

All images are my own.

The Hot Goddess

Instagram: retired_rewired_inspired

If you enjoyed this please remember to Share, Like, Follow, Comment, Subscribe. (This is my “call to action” I’m supposed to include in every post. Thanks so much for your support!) ❤

Copyright ©️ 2021-2024 thehotgoddess.com. All rights reserved.

25 comments

  6. Natalie, that was funny and true. Good luck with your wash and poo-poo.🤣😅😂

    Question: What is the issue with dryers in Portugal? Is it related to wiring or energy costs? Can you buy a clothes dryer there?

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • LOL! Thank you so much, Jametta ❤️. Nearly 17 months here, and I have stopped drying my laundry outside. Inside by a sunny window works fine, and no spiders or bird poo 😁.
      Energy conservation is the main driver behind not using clothes dryers. It is a more environmentally sound practice that even wealthy people here embrace. I’ve seen laundry drying outside of 850,000€ homes. Space is another issue. Many dwellings here are small and so are appliances. Finding space for a vented dryer can be an issue, so some people (especially foreigners 🙂) buy ventless (condensation) dryers or combination washer/dryers. I’ve tried both in my travels and am not a fan, though other folks like them. But, yes, vented, ventless, and combo dryers all can be easily purchased here.

      Like

      Reply

  8. Excellent reading of an equally excellent poem. Loved hearing your voice – you do have a talent for pacing & rhythm. Hilarious, yet literary, too! HA!
    As for Freedom Day: “a tribute to reading as freedom.” Indeed! The USA should be such an advocate for Freedom…you know, knock off the book bannings?!
    sigh.
    The connection to the poem with your photo? Perhaps something to do with being farty-hearty in the security of the great outdoors?
    🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • 😁😁😁 Thank you so much, Laura! 💖 Glad you enjoyed it! You win the prize (noseplugs??) for the poem-photo connection. Exactly!
      And yes to advocating for freedom! The hypocrisy and backward thinking in the USA is shameful.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

Leave a comment