the hot goddess

Healing Verse in Midlife ~ Part 2

The following is a re-post from March 2022, with updates at the end.

Resentment hides here
Unfairly rearing its head
Memories add fuel
Strained relationship 
Complicated emotions 
A strange history
Love should not feel like
Constant criticism of
Not measuring up
She's a good mother
Everyone here makes mistakes
Her daughter's good too
She can't express need
And I cannot express mine
I am her daughter
I watched her sleeping
Curled up in such small stillness
I know I love her

I saw my mother this morning

Sleeping in her bed
Curled up into herself
Alone and small and still
She looked frail, weak, defenseless

My heart swelled
I held her hand, bony and warm
My other hand resting on her shoulder
I kissed her cheek, a cushion of soft skin

I wanted to protect her and let her know she is loved
“I love you,” I said
I love my mother
Then, so much

She opened her eyes, cloudy and unfocused
Looking at me, trying to see, waking slowly
Almost child-like, she seemed needy then
Warrior stance not yet assumed

I saw my mother this morning

I am finally back in Portugal, following the unexpected death of my mother in the U.S. Yes, of course, the death of an elderly parent is part of the normal cycle of life. What has surprised me is how unpredictable and powerful a trigger the loss can be. Is it harder or easier to experience the death of your mother when you live overseas? My answer to that question has been changing daily.

Friends who make up my family of choice here have been loving and supportive, as have an online community of virtual friends I’ve never met. A truly wonderful phenomenon for this recovering-ish social media avoider. Thank you! Even before I returned home to Portugal, my lovely Portuguese-speaking neighbors expressed their care and concern. That’s one way you know you belong in a place as an expat/immigrant, right?

A Portuguese message of sympathy:
“I saw today that your dear mother passed away. I’m so, so sorry. My condolences.
May God comfort your hearts and illuminate
her passing to the spiritual plane. A warm hug from me, Nina, and Tulio.”

If you are or are planning to be a solo immigrant/expat in a foreign country, please do not underestimate the critical importance of connecting with community in your new home. You may need to make the first move with your new neighbors, as I did, but these connections will be invaluable, especially during difficult times.


“Infallible composure is not emotional intelligence.
Allow bad days.”

~ Brianna Wiest, author
101 Essays That Will Change the Way You Think

Making your way to the other side of loss doesn’t always look or feel the way we expect. Every day hits a different way. Today is weird, following a night of disturbing dreams that led me back to the above post from the months before I moved to Portugal. That poetry still rings a powerful bell of clarity that sends tremors deep inside my core.

In the hospital, just days before a lightning-fast decline led her to hospice, my mother was still herself. Still practicing old, cringe-worthy patterns. She commented on my “nappy” hair. She shushed my “too loud” voice. Old habits die a hard death too.

Later, on her hospice deathbed, I held her contorted body to my chest, her soft face to mine as she struggled and strained, twisting her mouth to whisper in jagged gasps, “I love you.” My greatest comfort is that I was able to tell her this truth: “I know you love me, Mommy. I love you too. Thank you for everything, Mommy.”

I have never called my mother “Mommy.” Maybe, I guess, as a very young child. Even as a kindergartener, though, my drawing of her was labeled “Mother.” So why did I suddenly speak to her, out of nowhere, as if I were a little girl? My theory is that the small, wounded child inside broke through all the varnished yet splintered layers of midlife composure to speak her forgiveness and peace to her mother. The mother who loved her — who had always loved her — with all she had. I will always be grateful for that moment. Soon afterward, strong painkillers and sedatives administered by a hospice nurse helped her rest. That was the last time she spoke before dying two days later.

I saw my mother this morning

Warrior stance — hers and mine — gone.

2019

Thank you for reading, and for your infinite kindness ❤️. May your weekend find you in a place of comfort and love.

All images are my own.

The Hot Goddess

Instagram: retired_rewired_inspired

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40 comments

  1. So sorry about your mother’s passing. Mother-daughter relationships can be challenging. Mine was. For me the end brought peace. Forgiveness over perceived wrongs, most of which seemed important at some time, none of which are relevant now.

    Fierce hugs,

    Soraya

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  4. My condolences for the loss of your mother Natalie. I’m glad you were able to see her, tell her you loved her, and say goodbye. And kudos for creating a circle who nurture and support you. I understand some of what you’re going through and still miss my mother. Hugs… 🌸💚

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  5. Thank you for sharing that beautiful moment. I love that you wrote this with your poem from 2022 to really show the layers and complexity of love. Sending you lots of love as you mourn your mama, Natalie.

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  6. I’m so sorry for your loss, Natalie. Relationships between parents and children are complicated. Sounds like you were able to hold some grace and forgiveness for your mother at the end, and that is a good thing, I think. I was able to do that for my mother and I have never regretted it.

    Hugs,

    Deb

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  7. I’m sorry for your loss, Natalie, but so pleased for you that you had that time to connect and open your heart to her in ways that will provide comfort to you from now on. And … welcome back home! ❤️

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  9. Natalie, I’m so sorry for your loss but happy you were able to have that momentous heartfelt goodbye, which truly is a special gift you’ll be carrying around in your heart forever. Just know she’ll always be with you and when you do dream of your mom, that is definitely her visiting with you. 😉 Sending big hugs and comfort during this difficult time. I promise that each day will get a bit easier and remember to be gentle with yourself. Xo, Melissa.

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  12. I’m so sorry for your loss, Natalie. The parent/child relationship, in some ways, is forever changing and in other ways remains the same. When children become adults, they fiercely want their independence, and yet we know our parents will continue to offer their wisdom and opinions even when we’re not asking for them. My impression is that your mom must have been a great mother because she raised an articulate, intelligent, and brave woman.

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  13. Mãezinha – what a beautiful word. Thank you for your poetry and for sharing your experience of your mother’s passing despite the sadness, or perhaps because of it. All the sharp edges fell away and you two were able to express your love to another another. Glad you experienced that peace. Thinking of you.

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  14. Even when we know the death of a parent is inevitable, the shock of such a deeply personal event sends the child reeling. You put your experience into very moving words and pictures. I am sorry for your loss but you also continue to find new insights.

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  16. Natalie, my heart reaches out to you during your time of grieving. It seems to me that your relationship with your mom was complicated. Many are.

    My own relationship with my mother is complicated too. I went no contact with her years ago, but I know in my heart that when she dies I will have a complicated grieving process, for I won’t be mourning the loss of a beautiful relationship between us, but mourning the loss of the possibility of a decent one.

    Grieving is a complicated process. I had a good relationship with my dad, and even 37+ years after his passing there are moments when I miss him.

    Sending hugs!

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  18. Both the poems and your post are beautiful and poignant. The grief of losing a parent, especially a mother, is uniquely profound. My deepest condolences, Natalie.

    And I echo your sentiment: “Do not underestimate the critical importance of connecting with community in your new home.” These communities can be a lifeline. Sending you love! ❤

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