the hot goddess

Dogging Portugal in Midlife

I am sick of fucking loose dogs.

OK, in re-reading that sentence, I see the need for some clarification. I am not sick of having sex with slutty canines. Not that I have anything against a slutty bitch. I’ve been known to sport that label a time or two hundred myself. It’s just that I have never had sex with a dog. Wait… more clarification: I have never had sex with a canine. Nor do I ever want to. What I’m trying to convey is my disgust with people who allow their dogs to run around unleashed in areas where leashes are clearly mandated. Everything from tiny, feisty chihuarats chihuahuas (extremely popular here in Portugal, as far as I can tell), to huge, scary Rottweilers, and everything in between. Just walking around loose in town, on the beach, even in my yard at times.

There are signs posted to keep dogs leashed and to pick up their poop. Yet loose dogs and their shit are everywhere. I had a dog for 12 years. A miniature schnauzer I adored. I never, ever had her off-leash in a public space with posted leash mandates. I never just opened my front door and let her out to roam the neighborhood freely like a cat all day. I never left her outside in my yard to bark all fucking day. I always picked up her poop.

We love and miss you, Maxie.

I was dog-sitting recently. For nine days. (What. Was. I. Thinking?) During one of Queenie-the-cavachon’s walks, I had to wield my new Black Betty steel bat (purchased precisely for this purpose) at a larger, loose dog. He ran toward leashed Queenie, growling, with no owner in sight. I didn’t have to hit him. Me yelling STOP (bilingual doggie?) and swinging a black steel bat in the middle of the street stopped him, and he kept his distance while following us for a bit. I guess I scared him… and definitely the drivers of the cars that passed by. Queenie was like, WTF, Auntie? I was like, Got all my cardio for the day packed into these two minutes!

Leashed and lovable (and a lil’ slutty) cadela.

I’ve been uncharacteristically-ish irritable this week. Things and people are getting on my last nerve. There is so much good in my life here. Yet, I’m just feeling grumpy for no reason. Sometimes that happens, though, right? I don’t know why everything seems to bother me right now. What I do know is this: it’s probably a good idea to steer clear of a pissed-off 65-year-old formerly slutty bitch with a black steel bat.

Beware a grumpy midlifer with a bat.
A non-grumpy moment

Thank you for reading ❤️. Wishing you a weekend free of irritation.

The Hot Goddess

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40 comments

  2. Glad you got that out of your system, a perversely enjoyable read! In a Facebook group you would now steel yourself for the ‘It’s the culture, you have to adapt to it’ crowd. Rubbish. Antisocial behaviour is just that no matter how many people do it, and there is no one ‘culture’; a lot of Portuguese who care about animals also hate what irresponsible dog owners do. More power to the bat! 🙂

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  5. “Yet, I’m just feeling grumpy for no reason.” No, no, you have a reason. A big reason. I’ve had this problem occasionally too. There’s a park where I like to walk/run and I always come across owners who let their dogs off leash. I love dogs. I think they’re swell. But I don’t want to stop whatever I’m doing and be on guard. Yes, Fido is a lovely creature, but he’s lovely to you. We both have no idea how he’s going to be to me. It’s a major pet peeve for me. And yes, a black steel bat . . . good for you. I will not be messing with you. Ha, ha.

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  6. Yes! I always carry a pointy hiking pole specifically for this purpose – to discourage a free-roaming dog (or sometimes even a pack of them) from treating Bowser like prey. It’s happened a couple of times in the past 3 years, which is a couple of times too many. I do let Bowser go leash-free on the forestry roads and trails as there is no leash requirement but I always leash him if we encounter any two or four-leggeds, which is blessedly rare.

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    • Oh, yikes! A pack would terrify me. I also have pointy hiking poles, and pepper spray, in my arsenal. The spray was retired, though, when I realized how windy it is here.
      Back in the States, two off-leash Dobermans charged Maxie when my then-husband and I were walking her in our housing development. Maxie, who was leashed, thought she was a Doberman and was ready to rumble as I snatched her up in my arms. The Ex, a Vietnam War vet, jumped between us and the charging Dobermans as their stupid AF owners ran up behind them, apologizing. Good thing I didn’t have Black Betty then.

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      • I had a very similar experience, only with 2 German Shepherds…I stood between Bowser and the dogs and shouted and hip checked them when they tried to get around me to get at Bowser. Didn’t think, just acted on instinct. Never left home without a hiking pole after that! Owner never apologized, just screamed at the now-cowering animals and Bowser and I just walked away as fast as we could.

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  8. I find it much more entertaining to read your description of the people and things that get on your last nerve than living through my own irritations. I am now thinking of getting a Black Beauty steel bat to take with me when I go jogging!

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    • Thank you for reading and commenting, Geoff. I’m trying to increase the numbers in the Natalie-is-entertaining club, but only seem to be adding to the Natalie-is-crazy crowd. I highly recommend a steel bat for appealing to both groups 😆.

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  9. I believe you’re still going through the aftermath of a life changing event, so circling back to anger is very appropriate, amiga. I feel the same way as you and your readers, dogs are lovely unless they are ill behaved and acting like dingos. Fines for their owners sounds great to me.

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  13. “it’s probably a good idea to steer clear of a pissed-off 65-year-old formerly slutty bitch with a black steel bat”

    This is so funny! Thank you for my giggle today!

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    • Thank you, Kathy ❤️. I hear you on cats everywhere! I haven’t yet been to Panama, but Morocco’s feral cat population was shocking.
      I remember a crazed feral cat here trying to attack me and Queenie during another dog-sitting episode, pre-Black Betty. We just ran, and the cat backed off once we’d cleared out of its space.
      Damn. I think I need to be done with this dog-sitting mess. 😝

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