When polite people want to tell someone to fuck off, they say “Take a hike!” One of my midlife (OK, senior citizen) goals is to try to be more polite, so I’m liking “Take a fucking hike!” as a replacement imperative for “Fuck off!”

What do you think?

Take those people who hear a story of something you’ve done and are happy with, and then return with a comment intended to diminish what you did. Those folks? Well, I say they can take a hike.

Let’s say you are telling someone about a hike you just completed on a newly discovered trail. This person responds, “But was it really a true hike, or just a walk?” This is the exact response the same person had several weeks ago after you’d gone on another hike. Would it feel as if this person needed to diminish your sense of accomplishment, or no?

I only hike trails categorized as Easy or Moderate on village trail maps. I stay away from those labeled Difficult or Advanced because I’m not doing any scrambling on all fours, or going along narrow, high ridges. I’m afraid of heights. I avoid All Trails and its lyin’-ass guides that will have you climbing Mount Everest on a so-called “moderate” hiking trail. Still, my four-hour hikes are on marked hiking trails with varied, unpaved terrain and varied elevations, meandering through rural and coastal areas. This meets the definition of hiking, doesn’t it? Some trails challenge my fears. Others challenge my balance. Most challenge my need-to-be-replaced knees.

Hike? Or walk?

Walk? Or hike?

Sadly, I must keep it real and admit I used to be a diminisher. Annoyingly, bitchily diminishing others’ accomplishments with snotty comments. I did this only with some people, mostly family members I resented for one reason or another, because I was unhappy with my own life. I didn’t realize what I was doing until midlife ushered in a wise-ish self-awareness that brought suggested greater a lil’ insight. I’m ashamed of and regret this petty behavior from my younger days. When I’m on the receiving end of it now, I get where it’s coming from. Still… take a hike, buddy!

More Midlife Politeness

There are other polite substitutions for some of my favorite impolite imperatives and exclamations. Two I’m loving are from my childhood, courtesy of my brilliant father.

When Dad wanted us to quiet down, he would sternly command, “Attenuate the volume!” My father did not mess around when he issued a command. You did what you were told, the first time, or else. “Attenuate the volume!” was his version of “Shut the fuck up!” for decent, educated, polite folk. I’ll give it a go here in Portugal. No more “Cala a fode!” It’s “Atenuar o volume!” from now on. Talvez. (Maybe)

And then there’s the all-purpose “WTF!,” a timeless fan favorite of the polite-free crowd. When my father heard, read, or witnessed some ridiculousness, he would simply say, “How about that” or, “Ah so.” If you were on the receiving end of either of these replies to something you said, you might not have realized Dad was calling you ignorant or full of shit. But he was. “WTF, Dumbass” never sounded so Zen. I’ve been throwing out “How about that” and “Ah so” to English-speakers around here like candy at a parade. Scattered near and far, this sweet undercover retort saves my time and protects my peace and calm. Very satisfying, I must say.

All other substitutions will be numerical, thanks to this classic guide.

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Thank you for reading! ❤️ May you celebrate all you accomplish this weekend, with a smile and polite “813” for anyone who tries to diminish anything you do.

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All images are my own except as noted.

The Hot Goddess

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