How my morning meditation practice actually goes, translated for authenticity:

I will do the best… 

Wait, am I sitting right? No. My legs are supposed to go like this. Ouch! F*ck.

I will… 

Wait, my hands are supposed to be open. That’s palms up, right? On my knees? Is this right? I keep forgetting to do the hands part.

I will be patient and not judgmen… 

Oh damn, I forgot to drink my lemon water.

I will give more than ta… 

Did I turn on the aromatherapy diffuser? I don’t smell anything. Wait. What is that?

I will say yes more than no… 

No! Shit, now I have to go pee. I did drink my lemon water.

OK… I am grateful for this beautiful new da… 

What IS that smell? Did I take out the trash? No. Damn. That Thai food box stinks.

I am grateful for the les… 

Oooh, my driver’s license expires this month. The governor extended motor vehicle deadlines until July didn’t he? Is that for driver’s licenses too? Oh damn, I still have my license plate sticker for 2019 on the car. I’m so pissed I spent that $65 on the 2020 sticker two days before he extended the deadline to f*cking July. Wait, it’s 2021. Oh damn.

I am grateful for the people in my life who… 

Did I mail Rochele’s birthday card?

I am grateful for all that I have and all that… 

Oh yeah, remember to put toilet paper and Earl Grey tea on the shopping list. I wonder why Instacart doesn’t let you request specific shoppers? That’s stupid. I wish I could ask for Kayla every time. She’s the bomb.

I will not swear out lou…

Oh hell heck no! Are those fuc da pesky hairs? Who the fu hell has hairs sprouting on their toes???

I am grateful for the gift of this… 

Shit. Oops. I have to pee again. F*cking lemon water.

Whatever. I will do the best I can today. I am grateful for everything. Thank you.

Now, if we’re talking fantasy life, my meditation outcome would go something like this, as featured on my Instagram page:

Sometimes I am the flower. Vibrant, colorful, beautiful, sweet. Guarded behind a makeshift barrier, but still willing and waiting to give my nourishment to the right, worthy one.

Sometimes I am the bird. Brave, strong, fast, persistent. Determined to find a way to get what I need to survive. Small but mighty. Beautiful still. Darting here and there, but never landing for long. Always moving on.

Today I am both.

LOL! OK, really?

Have a beautiful Monday of self-acceptance and gratitude for good intentions.

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