Nothing can kill your morning “I’m a badass” happy buzz like finding unsolicited but targeted-to-you ads for bladder leak panties in your Instagram feed. What the hell? Don’t they know I’m trying to convince myself I’m an ageless goddess? Why did they target me now? Have I breached the audacity threshold by exhibiting too much happiness for my age? Am I now being reminded of my place, and to stay in my (slow-moving, soggy) lane?

I really want to know where the f*ck are the ads for VIBRATING panties? I wrote about remote-controlled vibrating panties, people. Send me those ads in my feed. Keep your damn pee panties! Need ’em or not, I sure as hell don’t want my heading-into-the-weekend Friday goddess groove f*cked to hell by reminders of incontinence. Please, just keep feeding me the ads for booty-boosting yoga pants, Etsy beaded ankle bracelets, and bohemian hippy rub-on tattoos. I’m even OK with you sprinkling in a few ads here and there for “arousal serum” and hot flash supplements if you must. But keep your diaper panties out of my feed. Do not mess with my precious badass-bitch happy vibe.

They obviously haven’t read the study showing I’m supposed to be filled with glee and optimism. My (formerly) happy vibe is normal and to be expected. That’s right. According to the folks at Happify, Americans 60 and older are happier than people younger than 60. “As people age their tendency to have a negative outlook actually decreases.” Maybe all the other over-60 women are happier because they’re dry thanks to snapping up a pair of perky pee panties off Instagram, but that’s not doing it for me.

Maybe, IG, if you’d start the ads rolling for vibrating panties there’d be a lot more happy floating around sooner for everyone of all ages. Just saying.

Is there such a thing as too happy? Not delusional or manic — we know that’s not good — but just happier than you should be given the circumstances. Do we need reminders of our problems from spying marketers, to keep us in check?

I don’t know why this got under my skin, but it did. Maybe because I peed my pants in third grade? I was standing in front of the entire class, holding the flag and leading the Pledge of Allegiance, after my teacher refused to let me go to the restroom. Geez. Try living that down in elementary school. I know I’m taking this personally, which I wrote will sabotage happiness… Wait…

Ah…that’s it. I’m sabotaging my own happy vibe. Maybe I’m the one subconciously thinking I’m too happy. I’m the one telling myself to stay in my lane. Damn. I’m recognizing this pattern now.

Do you ever do this to yourself? Get triggered by something tiny and meaningless, and then use it as an excuse to deflate your own happiness buzz? WTF is up with that?

Well nope, not this time. Get back here you badass goddess happy vibe. Screw those IG ads. We still have noise to make.

Oops. I feel a sneeze coming on…

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