the hot goddess

Poo, Pee, & the Po-Po: Midlife Worries for the Overthinking, Over-60 Adventure Traveler

Warning: If you are uncomfortable talking about normal bodily functions then you’ll want to stop reading now.

Overthinking will be the death of me. That is, unless crossing the Antarctic Circle gets me first. What was I thinking wanting to become part of the “small club” (tour-speak) of 66°S latitude-crossers for my 65th birthday?

There is no scenario I haven’t imagined happening on this 100-person small-ship “expedition” (tour-speak for “this ain’t no cruise”). The vast majority of these Antarctica trips go to the Antarctic Peninsula but not across the Antarctic Circle. I figured if I was going to have to spend two days crossing the Drake Passage (among “the most dangerous seas on Earth,” according to multiple online sources) then I might as well shoot for The Circle.

Source: Pexels Free Photo Library

I’m not fretting about drowning. I’m prepared for the inevitable seasickness. I’m vaccinated for my extended travels around South America before and after Antarctica. I’ve got a handle on packing for a long trip in extreme temperature variations. I’ve done all I can to address potential travel issues with connecting flights at EU border crossings with an expired residence card that Portugal has extended until June 30, but that other EU countries don’t have to honor.

After I arrived here in 2022, Portugal transitioned immigration services to a new agency. Changing protocols and a backlog of residency applications (400,000 in December 2023) led the government to extend the validity of all resident documents until the end of June.

No, I’m worrying about more important stuff:

1. How am I going to go to the bathroom off the ship?

2. And this mess notice: “Our crew will be conducting passive observations of passenger fitness onboard during sailing.” Oh shit. The Fitness Police (aka, “po-po”).

I am no stranger to squatting in the woods, over a hole in a floor, over a bucket, or in a camel stable with actual camels. But the number-one rule of Antarctica travel is Leave Nothing Behind. No yellow snow/ice. No other excretion of waste. There are no trees or bushes to hide behind for a sneak pee. Because it’s Antarctica. While there are no official, law-enforcing po-po, the tour guides rightly and strictly enforce this environmental rule.

Our itinerary has us up at 6:30AM, getting onto inflatable pool toys Zodiacs for excursions/landings at 8AM, and returning to the ship at noon. After lunch, we do another four-hour Zodiac excursion/landing. This is a long time off the ship, and it conflicts with my body’s morning bathroom routine. Coffee, breakfast, and then… you know. I can’t believe this has become a thing and, worse, a travel consideration, but it has become a thing and a travel consideration. Hello, 65.

I ordered something to address part of the bathroom issue and have packed it and a reusable empty bottle in my suitcase. Check.

I ordered this for myself — in discreet black, not fucking look-at-me-pee neon fuchsia. Nobody better even think about giving this to me as a gift. Nope. Don’t even, dude.

Source: Amazon.es

As for the other part of the bathroom issue, let me just say this. I may be left behind on the ship when the Fitness Po-Po’s “passive observations” of my fitness onboard deem me a Zodiac risk after watching me stand up from a chair. My son told me long ago that watching me get up from sitting in a chair was like watching Transformers. And oh, lawd, if they observe me trying to dance bachata.

However, if I am allowed to board the little inflatable Zodiac while it’s bobbing wildly in the freezing ocean and blowing wind — and if I manage not to fall out? Well, if we are surprised by a whale suddenly breaching right next to the Zodiac I’m sitting in, I can guarantee you that I will be leaving something behind.

Source: oceanwide-expeditions.com

Are you still with me? Good for you! All this talk about bathrooms and snow and freezing temperatures reminded me of an article I posted on The Hot Goddess three years ago. I hope you enjoy this repost, below, from January 2022. It did remind me to fill and pack my travel containers of Vaseline.

No Sh*t

Any midlife woman raised by a Black mother remembers a childhood of having her whole face greased up with Vaseline before stepping foot outside on a cold winter day. True Vaseline – the brand name of petroleum jelly – was as essential as toilet paper in our house, rubbed onto every part of our bodies to prevent looking “ashy.” At nearly 62, I still swear by this greasy cure-all for everything. Though, since becoming a frugal retiree, I’ve made do with containers of generic Dollar Tree petroleum jelly, which I still refer to as “vaseline.”

Great Lake winter walk

With sustained 25+ mph winds and temperatures of -1 degree Celsius and lower, Great Lakes winter walking can require a slathering of vaseline. On freezing, windy days I smear my face and lips with this slick ointment before venturing out on my 3-4 mile walks to and along Lake Erie. My face glistens with grease. On especially windy days, mucus and tears glisten too. The wind makes my eyes water behind my prescription sunglasses, and my nose runs like a downhill brook. On these days, tissues are useless. They just spread the secreted mess to create a fantastic, glassy handlebar mustache. My numb skin often doesn’t even register the feeling of dripping slime and salty tears flowing down my face. Sometimes, thanks to frigid blasts of air, the liquid matter forms a sparkling relief motif down my shiny, vaselined face. The contrast of this freezing mixture of snot and tears on my brown and greasy skin is super-awesome and attractive.

I discovered the hard way that this can get really icky during a long walk.
I do not take selfies on windy days. I took this for Instagram on a cold but not too windy day, sans slippery mucus layer. Multiple tissue touch-ups were sufficient.

Anyway, yesterday was one of those too windy days. I was walking – glistening and secreting in high-contrast awesomeness — when a ways ahead I saw the “Honk if You Have to Poop” truck parked in front of its usual house along my route. To my delight, a guy I assume was the owner of the truck was there too, messing around with something in the back seat of the truck. I started laughing out loud. Then, for some reason I’ll attribute to freezing temperatures/blowing snow/lack of oxygen due to profuse mucus, I yelled out, “Hi there! Honk! Honk!”

At that very moment I thought I detected an ever-so-slight sensation of having to poop, but dismissed it. I was excited to be able to ask this man the story behind the poop-honk tag, and why he had it on his truck. He hadn’t looked up when I honked, so I yelled out again as I got a little closer. “Hey! Honk! Honk! Your poop tag cracks me up!” I chortled gleefully.

Again, the need-to-poop sensation, this time a bit stronger. “Oh shit,” I said to myself, which made me audibly snort-giggle. This time the guy looked in my direction but said nothing. I know he had to have heard me. Was he deliberately ignoring me? Well, nothing snaps a sphincter shut faster than indignation at perceived rude behavior, and the poop signal quickly disappeared. Undaunted and determined to engage this dude in conversation over his hilarious poop tag that I’d made famous to all my 14 readers, I took longer strides to close the gap between me and the man, waving vigorously at him in case he was in fact hard of hearing.

Three things happened as I got closer to the man and his truck:

1. I saw this was not the usual house where the truck with the poop tag always parked.

2. I made a mental note that I really needed to get new prescription sunglasses.

3. I realized this was not the truck with the poop tag.

This, of course, made me crack myself up even more. My laughter made my eyes tear even more, which made my nose run even more. Jeez. The guy eyed me warily as he got in the truck and drove away. I can only imagine the story he later told about the tall, shiny, slime-faced weirdo smeared with frozen snot and tears and grease, waving and laughing and honking at him while walking like she had to take a dump.

I wanted to unzip my parka pocket and get my phone to take a photo of the back of this no-poop-tag-truck as the man drove off, because I know a good story when I think I see one. But my disappearing indignation had relaxed my sphincter, and the sensation could no longer be ignored. I turned around and headed back home. This kind of stupid shit always happens to me.

Thank you for reading!❤️ The Hot Goddess will return here in March after travel in South America and Antarctica. May your weekend find you smiling, prepared for anything, and within close proximity to a bathroom when needed.

The Hot Goddess

retired_rewired_inspired

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42 comments

  6. OMG, another awesome post, Natalie. There’s so much here! For seasickness, I take Dramamine every time I go on a cruise. It sucks for the first six hours because I get sleepy, but I fight through it, and the rest of the journey is fine. I take it every day at the same time for the duration of the cruise. The longest cruise I’ve been on was 11 days.

    For numbers one and two, empty Gatorade bottles and plastic bags would do the trick. You might need to put the bag inside a Ziploc bag for obvious reasons. 😷This method worked well for me during my first deployment to Iraq—there was no stopping during convoys. One caveat: you might need to come up with some kind of adapter to account for our obvious differences and make the Gatorade bottle work, of course. 😂

    I’m sure the trip is going to be a success, and I’m looking forward to seeing the pictures. Maybe TMI on my part, but it was fun.

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  9. Normally the warning box would have scared me off but then I remembered your posts are guaranteed to be humorous and entertaining. When I was younger, I always carefully considered what supplies I might need on lengthy expeditions. I opted not to join my father and brother on a ten day Baffin Island cross country ski adventure because I imagined worse case situations like a burst appendix and more mundane personal hygiene issues. Now I need to carefully plan ahead even for a walk around the neighborhood!

    I apply “vaseline” type products to my feet regularly. For long distance runs, I use it on any part of me that can possibly chafe, especially in rainy Seattle.

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  10. OMG this made me LOL! 😀 You are too funny! haha My mom and I actually did a cruise to South America last November which was great and we met some folks extending their trip to Antarctica too which we had no idea you could do! They were all very excited to go see the penguins and walk the Arctic Circle. I’m sure it’ll be amazing and I can’t wait to see the pics when you get back! Good luck with the po-po police and I’m sure all will be good once you get your bathroom routine down haha! You got this kid! 😀 Hope you have a fun and Wonderful Birthday Adventure! 🙂

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  11. Great writing as always, Natalie. Hilarious. You may find that your body changes its routine when confronted with the cold. I say that hopefully. : ) So curious about where you plan to visit in South America. It is summer in Santiago and Buenos Aires, I bet you’ll visit at least one of those. Look forward to your travel report.

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  13. You had me laughing out loud! I’m also turning 65 and thinking of doing a Solo Sexagenarian podcast. I’ll see if you’re available for an interview! My “adventures” are much more inline with the embarrassing exchange with the truck driver than going to Antartica. (Even Colorado is too cold for me in the winter!) I enjoy reading about your adventures while I stay safe and warm!

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  14. Living vicariously and laughing from the comforts of my heated toilet. My brother and his wife made a 14-day cruise to Antarctica. More power to you crazy people. 😊

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  15. Safe Travels Natalie. ✈️🙏🏽You are truly brave. I look forward to the all the stories. If all else fails, carry some Depends.😉

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  17. I learned, on a supported mountain bike tour of Canyonlands National Park, that if you don’t make eye contact whilst doing your business, you can’t be seen. Our guides provided a groover, or what they called a loo with a view, and positioned it at a suitable distance from the camp kitchen. The toilet paper roll was placed on the dashboard of the support truck, so you could tell, without looking in the direction of the sanitary facility, if it was occupied. If the paper was in the truck, you could look towards the bucket.

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  18. I can always count on you for a laugh! After 2 1/2 hours in the dentist chair yesterday, I’m taking a “low key day” today and catching up on my favorite blogs. BTW, I couldn’t figure out how to leave a comment on the pics you posted. The penguins! Fantastic photos!!!!

    Your willingness to step out of your comfort zone is so inspiring! You go, girl! Happy travels and be safe.

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