the hot goddess

Thank You, Portugal

I went to get my mother’s ashes yesterday. Weird to have that alert on my phone: Crematorium for Mom’s remains.

This time, I was prepared for the weirdness. The necessary emotional separation from the task at hand. The necessary separation from reality. It’s just a bag with a heavier than expected box inside. Don’t think about the sealed plastic bag inside the box. Don’t think about Mom inside the plastic bag. I was not prepared the first time I did this, with my father’s ashes seven years ago. But yesterday, I was prepared. My mother died two weeks ago today, so, honestly, this stuff still feels like it’s on auto-pilot.

This new “Portugal Me” seems to possess a superpower that is coming in handy during this stressful time.

The Hot Goddess

A close childhood friend drove me to the crematorium office. Afterward, we went out to lunch and I had a glass of wine. I wondered aloud about leaving the bag with remains inside a hot car on a 94°F day. Then we giggled. They are ashes, after all. High heat is what they do. (Though, I did think I detected a smoky smell in her car when we returned from the restaurant. Just saying.)

At lunch, my friend told me a relative of hers had asked how I was doing after she and I had gone on our first walk after my mother’s death. “Grief is different with Natalie,” my friend said she told the relative. “There’s always a story, and it’s usually funny.”

There is a story. It is funny. And I’m going to share it here. Later. Not today. Today, I am missing Portugal. I am realizing that my life there has changed me over the last 1000-plus days. I am mellower (mais ou menos), more self-aware, and more protective of my peace. The more self-aware I become, the more grace I find myself able to give others. This new “Portugal Me” seems to possess a superpower that is coming in handy during this stressful time with greedy grieving and secretive sad, judgmental joyless jarred relatives. (Yeah, yeah, OK, it’s a superpower-in-process; not fully developed yet.)

Thank you, Portugal. I hope to return to you soon. For now, I am finding small moments of joy here, where and when I can.

My morning walks near my childhood home offer five miles of peace and beauty when I remind myself to pay attention.
The kindness of good friends offering love and home-cooked meals is a gift of joy. This spicy  Peruvian Lomo Saltado was delicious and comforting.
My mother saved this drawing I did as a kindergartener. My father was an engineer for Standard Oil, thus the letterhead. My mother loved ironing, or so it seemed to 4-year-old me.
I still don’t own an iron in Portugal, which makes me smile.
I found my beginner piano book in my mother’s piano bench. Apparently, I mastered these songs in 1968. WTF? What kind of training was going on here at age 8? Too funny. The Hot Goddess, indeed.
Enough said. Thank you, bourbon.
Thank you, GB, for being my passion and my peace ❤️.

Image source unknown
Portugal memories always bring a smile.

Thank you for reading! ❤️ I hope your weekend finds you with the comfort you need, when you need it.

All images are my own, except as noted.

The Hot Goddess

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50 comments

  4. You are outstanding and entirely relatable. I hope you find joys in the cracks of your mothers passing and related homecoming. Portugal is here to receive you on your return and wrap its arms around you again. You are still safe. ❤️

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  5. I’m so sorry for your loss. Navigating a parent’s death isn’t easy. I hope the memories of your mom bring a smile.

    And I think you need to frame that drawing your mom saved.

    Hugs

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  7. Natalie- I am sorry for the loss of your mother.  When my father died, my brother and I took his ashes to Spain. We had traveled in both Spain and Portugal with him when we were younger. The experience never left us. So, to honor him we carried him with us as we traveled to Northern Spain and wherever we would go, we would light a cigarette, put it in the ashtray (neither of us were smokers) order a glass of red wine and say, Dad would have loved this view. His ashes were in a “man purse” like the one he purchased in the 1970s in a small leather shop in Madrid.  

    My spouse and I traveled throughout Portugal this April. We thought of you as we drove up the coast from Cascais to Porto. Today, we live on an island in the PNW, but the pace of Portugal suits us. We hope to retire there (cross fingers!) very soon. Meanwhile, your words continue to inspire us. As I write this, I am wearing a t-shirt, “Portugal is calling and I must go.”  Safe travels home, Natalie.

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  9. Natalie, I’m sorry for your loss. It was a blessing that you could be there with your mother at the end. One thing I realized when my mother died when I was 28 was that it wouldn’t have mattered if she’d been 97 instead of 57, the pain of the loss would have been just as great. The picture your mother had saved is an absolute gem. I’m pretty sure she didn’t really love ironing, but she obviously didn’t complain about it like my mother did!! Btw, your previous post that had disabled comments was simply beautiful. ❤️

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  10. In sharing your moments of grief, humor, and healing, you brought me comfort today, Natalie.

    The way you offer hope through the raw and tender experience of loss is truly a gift.

    Your beautiful mom’s legacy lives both through you and within you. A quiet superpower you’ll carry with you always. My deepest sympathies and all my love to you 🤍

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  15. Sorry for your loss Natalie. Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way. And I absolutely love this line: “I am mellower (mais ou menos), more self-aware, and more protective of my peace.” Um, Superman is over-rated. Batman too. I’ll take your superpowers any day.

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  17. Hugging you from afar. I am in Portugal; you are not. I know you will continue to honor your mother with the respect and humor the situation deserves!

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  18. Firstly, I’m very sorry for your loss. Losing parents is definitely a hard part of life.

    I giggled at the compilation of songs in your piano song-book. Times may have been more “proper” then, but sexuality was still strong and showed itself in cheeky ways!

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  20. Touching! I love (and am personally encouraged) that you have a growing degree of peace around this huge loss, and for people when they’re peopling ❤️

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  22. Natalie, I’m sorry to hear that your mother has died. Death can be hard no matter the age, but it sounds like you’re taking it in stride.

    I have an awful cremation story, where the funeral home put my father’s remains in the USPS. I was mortified to receive them and definitely not ready lol

    Oh, and apparently, mailing remains in a regular USPS box is illegal.

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    • Kathy. Girl. My father had the most ghettofied cremation by a piece of shit funeral home operator who should be in jail. Unbefuckinglievable. I’m sorry you had to go through that. Thank you for your condolences. ❤️

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