the hot goddess

Dancing Around Midlife Issues

Are you ever your own worst enemy? Your own harshest critic? Your own roadblock to success?

Yeah? Sometimes? Always? Well, welcome to my club. And frankly, this shit is getting old at 66.5 years.

I’ve been taking latin dance lessons here in Portugal off and on for at least a year or more. Same with Portuguese lessons, for three years. Whether learning to do a new dance or learning to speak a new language, it is not possible to improve and master learning without consistent practice out in “the real world.” With language-learning, that means stuttering your way through real conversations with native speakers. With learning to dance, that means getting your butt out on a real dance floor at social dances with other dancers. I am nervous about the former, still, after nearly four years of living in Portugal. I am terrified of the latter.

My language teachers have said I need more confidence, perhaps a glass of wine, and to stop overthinking all the grammar rules and just talk. Make mistakes. Keep talking. And I do. I really have no choice where I live, although growing numbers of English-speaking immigrants/expats here are making it easier and easier to just lapse back into my native tongue. Great for my comfort. Not good for my learning. When I speak Portuguese around new American acquaintances — say, at a restaurant or bar — some think I’m showing off. I am not. I’m trying to support my own learning by consistently applying it. But I don’t want to come off like I’m trying to show off, so I often don’t apply my learning.

With latin dancing, my caring about what other people think stokes a toxic self-consciousness and paralyzing fear that typically keeps me off a social dance floor. I’m instantly transported back to middle school and high school, where I avoided school dances and even prom. As an adult attending parties and festive events in the United States, whenever the line-dancing lineups started forming, I made a beeline for the nearest restroom or pretended to be on my cell phone.

GB (which stands for German Bae, my German boyfriend of 2.5 years) has been lovingly coaxing me out of my persistent “performance” confidence issues.

ChatGPT created this idiom coloring book page from my prompt.

GB recently taught me a new German idiom: “Was juckts die Eiche, wenn ein Schwein sich an ihr kratzt.” What does the oak tree care if a pig scratches itself against it? It’s saying that you (the unfazed oak tree) shouldn’t care what others (the pig) think or say about you.

I look like an oak tree out on the dance floor — tall, stiff, wooden — so I’m trying to think like an unfazed, confident, and strong oak now. “Who cares what I look like dancing? Who cares what people think?” Gulp.

We’ve gone to several social dance venues in Lisbon and a couple on the Silver Coast. I find the outdoor pop-up socials to be less intimidating… only after there are lots of couples out there dancing. Glasses of wine don’t hurt either. I even felt confident enough to learn and try a new dance — Brazilian forró — for the first time at an outdoor social on a main thoroughfare in Lisbon one afternoon. Many sips of cerveja (beer) were part of my prep.

Music and dance venues in Lisbon are everywhere, day and night.

Balance issues and vertigo are not my friends during latin dancing. I don’t like dancing with anyone other than GB at social dances, but in a small class it’s a requirement. Painful to watch, I know. When I was first learning these moves, other classmates, two Portuguese women, giggled together as they watched me doing a demo with the instructor. Me: Oak tree. Them: Pigs.

I’m told I need to work on my spins so I don’t wobble, keeping my feet pointed out so I don’t look pigeon-toed, and “lady-styling” my long arms so I don’t look… well… like this.

This weekend, there will be more dancing. And wine and beer. But the biggest lesson and most important practice will be developing my confidence and minimizing my self-consciousness issues. That’s a master class I’ll be taking for many more years.

Dancing with a view

Thank you for reading! ♥️ Wishing you a weekend filled with confidence, joy, and learning.

All images are my own.

The Hot Goddess

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25 comments

  3. I think it’s completely normal to be self-conscious about our dancing. My wife and I signed up for a Texas Two-Step class many years ago. No one made fun of us, but it was clear somewhere into our lessons that we were the worst couple in the class. In other words, we were paying money to feel bad about ourselves. 🤣 I’m not ashamed to say that into our third lesson, we slunk out on a break and never came back. Normally, I don’t give up anything easily, but we just weren’t having any fun. Both of us felt the same way.

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  6. OMG you are dancing! THAT is just another one of so many brave and adventurous and FUN things you do. And one more reason to like you. Who the f— cares what you look like? Everyone else is so worried about how THEY look that you can bet they are not looking at you except to envy your (apparent) confidence. These kinds of instructions would make me crazy. And defeated: « so I don’t wobble, keeping my feet pointed out so I don’t look pigeon-toed, and “lady-styling” my long arms so I don’t look…» PLUH-EASE. Just let the gal have fun! Oh, as as for speaking Portuguese, I get it. When others seem impressed / envious / judgemental or whatever, just let them know you invest a lot of time into learning the language. I am sure some people are inspired to try harder when they hear you speak. When I hear other immigrants speaking Portuguese, I am always inspired to rush home and study more and practice more. So, you do YOU and celebrate YOU. Força!!!!!!!!!!

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    • Dear Penelope, thank you so much for making my day with your lovely comment! 🩷 You are right about FUN being the most important thing. All the various instructions for helping me improve — whether dancing, playing piano, or speaking Portuguese, have me stuck in the quicksand of overthinking. What should be fun becomes a stress trigger. Thank you for reminding me of the F-U-N 😁!

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  7. With your gorgeous body you could stand there and tap your foot and still be the envy of every woman in the class. The “pigs” are simply envious. That said, you’re a lovely dancer; no need to feel self-conscious.

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  8. You really don’t look as badly as you think you do! We’re always our worst critic. You’re uncomfortable not only because you’re a newbie, but you have performance issues in front of others.

    New thoughts! Dance with your partner more, and dance like no one is watching, i.e. feel the music between you both! Latin dancing is all about the sexual energy between the couple, so don’t be afraid of letting that out!

    I used to dance with my first husband and we got better as we got more practice with each other.

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  9. oh my gosh Natalie, I mean this in the nicest way possible – your issues with your dancing are all in your head! I thought your dancing looked good in that video!!!!!! yes you looked uncomfortable but that’s you telling yourself you’re not good – I beg to differ!!!!!! I hope you are able to let yourself relax and just enjoy the movement without judgement ❤

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  11. Very nice, Natalie! Salsa dancing is difficult, but you got it. Those forward and backward moves with a partner are difficult, and the same goes for the spinning, but you did well and kept the rhythm. I have seen people who actually stop completely after one of those moves so they can get back in rhythm, so you are on track, my friend. Awesome!

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    • Oh, thank you for your encouragement, Edward! I am hanging in there. Just finished last lesson for the summer. I still have to count to keep my steps in rhythm 😝. Practice, practice, practice!
      Question: Have you read Timothy Gallwey’s book, The Inner Game of Tennis? He also wrote one about golf. My sister suggested I read it for my struggles with learning dance, piano, and Portuguese. Applicable for learning to do anything, really. Fascinating and relatable, though I play neither tennis nor golf.

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      • You’re so welcome! I did the same thing when I was learning salsa. I think merengue is easier, so that’s my go-to when I go dancing. I haven’t read that book, but I just looked over the Amazon description, and it is interesting. I’m going to add it to my reading list. Thank you, my friend.

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