Diving Into Dating Abroad is a monthly guest post to inspire single expat women who are living and dating in Portugal. Join us every second Friday of the month to hear from women in their 30s, 40s, 50s, and 60s who have positive messages, funny stories, and encouraging advice for meeting and dating people as an immigrant in Portugal. Names have been changed by request to protect privacy.

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Today’s post is a Q&A with “Gemma,” a Swedish expat in her 30s who moved to Portugal in 2021.

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What are some do’s and don’ts for dating in a foreign country?

Do enjoy the experience. See each date as a way to try new things, see new places and enjoy mini adventures in your new country.

Do be open to variety and diversity. One of the benefits of dating abroad is that you can find so many different people outside of your usual “type” or what you’ve been used to. Embrace this diversity. It’s a gift.

Do use online dating apps. They’re efficient and effective for expanding your exposure and broadening your reach. I’ve used Tinder here and when I lived in the United States as a grad student in my 20s. We know Tinder has a reputation as the swipe-for-sex hookup app, and, yes, you can find that there and on all the other apps if that’s what you’re into. But there are also people of all ages who are searching for and finding lasting relationships on Tinder.

There are so many cool people out there. You can’t predict where the adventure will take you. Never say never.

Don’t lie on your profile. You’re just dooming a potential relationship before it even starts. One of the first men I met here was a Portuguese man who put on his profile that he was 182cm tall. I’m 177cm. But when we met face to face, we weren’t face to face because he was only 160cm. I asked him why he’d lie about that when he knew the lie would be obvious once we met. He said, “I say that because I’m into Nordic women and you’re all tall.”  Like, OK, but now I know you’re a liar. We did have a fun date and he was a perfect gentleman. But he was too short for me. And a liar.

Don’t use Tinder or any dating app as a search engine to find a specific type of person. This could easily lead to making up your own truth about your dates, and rob you of the opportunity to meet people who could end up being a real match.

What are some first-date tips?

Focus on yourself and what you enjoy. It’s a date, not an interview, so ease up on rapid-fire questioning. Listen and don’t do all the talking. Stay positive. Try to have fun and be natural, instead of stressing about impressing with some inauthentic version of you.

It should be a setting where you both can have fun doing whatever activity you’ve set out for. If that is enjoyable then this might lead to a second date, a third, or maybe become a relationship, or not, but try to avoid creating scenarios and expectations in your head. If you can, just go with the flow and stay in the moment. In my experience, that happens when you relax and let yourself enjoy the adventure.

What lessons have you learned dating abroad?

There are so many cool people out there. You can’t predict where the adventure will take you. Never say never.

Just go with the flow and stay in the moment. In my experience, that happens when you relax and let yourself enjoy the adventure.

I’ve shared with you, and have written about, my history of severe depression. Struggles with mental illness and discussion about emotional well-being have now become more common since the pandemic. What are your thoughts about disclosing mental health challenges when dating?

A lot of people feel that they should disclose mental health issues right away, on the first date or even when chatting online before meeting. If you connect with someone and feel that vibe, that connection, and want to share your story, then do. It can grow your friendship and make it so much better. But don’t feel you have to share everything right away in the very beginning before you get to know someone. Don’t lie! Don’t deceive, but also don’t feel pressure to overshare. When dating, you should always put yourself first, and don’t feel like you have to tell some person you just met, essentially a stranger, all about your illness – mental or physical – in the initial stage of meeting. That said, sometimes you click with someone right away and you feel this connection upon meeting and you feel that you want to share. Go with how and what you are feeling and don’t feel pressured to make any premature announcements to someone you still don’t know. 

Do you have a success story or happy ending to share?

I met the father of my child and amazing partner on Tinder while living abroad in Portugal. He’s another expat, from Gambia, who also lived in Italy before moving here. We met on his birthday and had fun celebrating. I thought I was just going to do a casual, no-strings thing but it turned into so much more. We just got engaged over Christmas.

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Thank you, Gemma!

Even though Gemma and I are three decades apart in age, I was immediately drawn to her openness, chill vibe, and tell-it-like-it-is, no-nonsense approach to navigating life. She is a blunt and focused problem-solver whose feedback often sets me straight.

We’re also on the same page about having fun and keeping an open mind when dating. Her story is a perfect example of what can happen when you do.

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Thank you for reading 💜. Next month’s DIDA will feature some…um…eye-opening stories from yours truly, just in time for Valentine’s Day. Stay tuned.

Happy Friday! May your weekend find you smiling.

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All images are my own.

The Hot Goddess

Instagram: retired_rewired_inspired

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