the hot goddess

Midlife Misbehaving in Portugal

Warning: This post has sexual content, so if your knickers tend to get knotted when reading about sex, then this is not the post (or blog) for you.

I am in possession of a cheeky, risqué mug. Right. Yeah, I have several such mugs. I love them all. But this one in particular makes reference to the wonderfulness of my dear German boyfriend’s spectacular (and circumcised!) penis. I bought this mug online in Portugal as a gag Christmas gift for him. It was a frivolous purchase that delighted BF. Said mug stays at my house, however, so his grown, 34-year-old daughter won’t see it when she visits forev for long periods of time. She is lovely.

The (hidden) gift that keeps on giving.
Portugal does have a thing for penises. They are for sale everywhere. These baked goods in Porto and ceramics in Óbidos are just some of the many examples I’ve seen of what appears to be a pila/pilão fetish here. I love Portugal.

It seems over-65 sex is not something grown-ass adult offspring should know about. I get it. Nobody, myself included, wants to imagine their parents having sex. Though BF did leave our industrial-sized pump bottle of lube on his bedroom nightstand when his adult son visited. Adult son had to sleep in the master bedroom instead of the guest bedroom because of a lumbar issue that made his 28-year-old back require more care than his father’s 68-year-old back. Go figure. BF moved to the guest room. The lube stayed on the master bedroom nightstand. I guess adult sons are different from adult daughters.

When my son was half the age of BF’s son, he was doing his weekly chore of emptying the wastebaskets in our house for garbage pickup the next day. I had forgotten to empty the wastebasket in my bathroom, which still contained used condoms carefully wrapped in toilet paper. They were from the day prior, when my son was staying at his dad’s house. As my son emptied my bathroom wastebasket, some of the trash missed the large black Hefty garbage bag receptacle and spilled onto the floor, with a few pieces landing on my son’s bare foot. You know where I’m going with this, right? Using just the tips of his thumb and index finger, he gingerly picked up the teensiest corner of a folded piece of toilet paper that had fallen onto his foot. The paper unfurled as he lifted it and — you guessed it — a used condom fell out, also dropping onto my son’s bare foot.

I was driving home from work when this happened. As I pulled into my driveway, I suddenly remembered my bathroom trashcan with the condoms and thought, “Oh shit! (My son) is dumping the trash!” I entered my house like a 12-year-old hoping not to get caught by her parents after doing something naughty. My son was waiting at the door, holding the black Hefty bag. “Mom, are you going to tell me who has been coming in my house — in more ways than one?” Then he proceeded to describe and demonstrate what had happened during his trash collecting. Yup. We were waayyy past dick mugs at 14. Oh well. At least I was a role model for safe sex. And hand and foot sanitizing.

The rules I once created — about things like post-coital sex-trash etiquette, or frugal spending — have, well, gone out with the trash. In truth, I’m not following any rules at all now. The question is: am I misbehaving, or have I simply become the seasoned Portugal edition of Ms. Behaving?

I love the painterly, Hockney-ish vibe of this series of shots I took on a recent walk. This and the feature photo are apropos of nothing in this post, but I’m not following any image-choosing rules either.

My life in Portugal includes bi-weekly expenditures on gel manicures, gel pedicures, Brazilian bikini waxes, and hot-stone deep tissue massages. The mani/pedi and bikini wax total 61 euros all together. The massage is 45 euros for 90 minutes. I also splurge on a cleaning lady, for 9 euros an hour. The cleaning lady and the nail lady are Ukrainian. They speak Ukrainian and Portuguese. Not English. The Ukrainian cleaning lady has a Ukrainian-/Portuguese-speaking adult daughter who helps her clean.

This week, Ukrainian cleaning lady got thirsty while cleaning my house. I’d already told her to help herself to anything in the kitchen, so she grabbed a drinking cup from my kitchen cabinet. The dick mug. I saw the dick mug washed and draining upside down on the dish mat atop the kitchen counter, so I knew it had been used. I felt naughty. I felt 12. At least she’s a non-English-speaking Ukrainian woman who can’t read what’s printed on the mug.

She and the daughter finished cleaning. I paid them. The Ukrainian cleaning lady said to me, in flawless Portuguese, that she will text me next week about her schedule. I understood her perfectly. As they walked out the door carrying two condom-less bags of trash, the daughter beamed brightly and said to me, in flawless English, “Have a good weekend!”

I understood her perfectly.

Thank you for reading ❤️. May your weekend find you laughing at life and making up your own rules.

Another recent photo I stuck in here for no reason except I like it.
Ms. Behaving at a wine- drinking tasting event in Oeiras. We’d been there for two hours when BF took this photo.

I’ll let you come up with a caption.
Bonus points if you incorporate the European Portuguese word pilão or pila.

All images are my own.

The Hot Goddess

Instagram: retired_rewired_inspired

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37 comments

  2. 🤍🤍🤍 your free spirit, I’ve followed blog posts from the beginning. Always salivating after reading about your candid and descriptive escapades.🤗 You are glowing like nobody’s business. Current dude is “the one” ( All based on your written and visual vibe/aura)a keeper if you don’t mind me saying)😂.
    Living vicariously through you.
    Wished if I possessed your skill set, I’m thinking the thoughts need to work on bringing them to life.
    Here is my label for the pic:-

    🔥🔥🔥 Goddess PILA tickled G-Spot Ms.Behaving 😛

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  3. Lol, I’m giggling! I think you’re safe. It’s the sexually repressed American influence that’s causing you to question yourself. Europeans have a much healthier view on the naked body and sex. Still very funny how there are misinterpretations!

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  11. Thank you for an open and honest healthy intimacy conversation. I’m married and over 50 and want to have more friends that are comfortable sharing REAL LIFE. On my move abroad journey, I’ve learned that freedom is not a place, it’s a mindset. Letting go of systems and beliefs that hold me back.

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  14. “Nobody, myself included, wants to imagine their parents having sex.” Isn’t that strange, since we all adult children know we’re products of that often wonderful exercise! : D Another hilarious post, Natalie. Keep misbehaving…err, I mean living your best life! 😀

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