How To Get Yourself Off With a Phone App in Midlife

I’m overdue for a Fun Friday post. It’s Thursday here, I know, but it’s Friday in Japan so here ya go. “Fun Friday” is code for highly authentic and unfiltered posts that are raw but funny (at least to me). If you’re uncomfortable reading about sex, you might wanna stop reading now, and come back on Made-Up Word Monday.

Midlife Orgasmic Meditation (MOM) is a Thing

I first drafted today’s post a while back but put it away because I thought it was too much and would really sound crazy. But then today I read about Orgasmic Meditation in Yoga Journal.

“Led by researchers at Thomas Jefferson University, this study, which is the first of its kind, studied the brain responses of 20 pairs of participants—all of which included one man and one woman—who engaged in orgasmic meditation for 15 minutes. To engage in this type of meditation, an individual strokes the clitoris of their partner. However, unlike the name may suggest, the goal is not to achieve an orgasm. Rather, it’s aim to induce an intense meditative state—and according to the research it’s attainable.”

Ellen O’Brien, Yoga Journal

Holy F*ck.

This got me thinking about something that happened to me a while ago while I was trying to meditate, sans partner.

I love the app Insight Timer. It has (free!) guided meditations, sleep/relaxation/healing music, and guided breathing exercises. They also have (free!) live events with all this makes-me-feel-awesome stuff, too. One day I decided to try something different from my usual selections, in an attempt to shake up my routine and make new discoveries. I put on my noise-canceling headphones (I don’t like ear buds) and selected a 23-minute musical piece titled “Organ Tissue Repair (in 285Hz),” which claimed to use a specific sound frequency to aid in healing – you guessed it – your body’s organ tissue. There was also something called “Full Body Regeneration” that was 1.5 hours long, but that sounded a bit too much like an episode from the original Star Trek TV show.

I’d decided to listen to Insight Timer while relaxing with a pot of freshly brewed, antioxidant-rich white tea. About 10 minutes into my organ tissue repair session I noticed something happening. I felt something stirring…vibrating…coming to life…in my loins. The organ tissue being repaired was my clitoris! Holy Moly! I am not lying to you. Those sound frequencies were going to work on my lady parts! What in the world was going on with Insight Timer, and how did it take me this long to find out about it?

Perhaps too many F-words in the vicinity?

I know what you’re thinking: “This broad is crazy!” or “I told you this was a blog about an old ho!” But I am telling you, I will swear on my Amazon Basics noise-canceling headphones that this sound frequency-specific “music” was repairing the f*ck outta my clitoris. I grabbed my cell phone and looked at the notes to see if anything was written about this being a companion selection for those vibrating panties I told you about. That would make sense, right? Nope. And no mention of any sort of “tissue repair” applications in the vaginal area at all.

No, I was not drinking from this vagina mug, nor wearing this pussy hat t-shirt at the time.

What is wrong with me? This cannot be normal. Can it? Do you think it was the hot white tea? I didn’t yet have my vagina mug from The Goddess Attainable, so that wasn’t it. Could the super-potent antioxidants have been interacting with the 285Hz frequency, and somehow been heightened to vibrational strength?

Have you tried this sound frequency stuff? Has the same thing happened to you? To anyone? It’s kind of embarrassing…but at the same time kind of really exciting. And this sh*t is FREE! When it was over (the music), I immediately gave it a 5-star rating and added that baby to my favorites. Maybe I’ll try that 90 minutes of “Full Body Regeneration” after all.

Dirty mind while meditating.
Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com

My next Insight Timer discovery was not about full body regenerating, though. Instead, I decided to go for a guided pranayama breathing selection. I’m a proponent of pranayama, or controlled breathing, exercises but had never listened to a guided practice before. This one had a photo of the guide – a gorgeous, young, and nimble-looking woman who looked as if she’d floated down just to grace the cover of Yoga Beautiful magazine.

Photo by KoolShooters on Pexels.com

The guided practice was only eight minutes long, but right away I had a problem. Her voice. The voice of this for-real hot goddess was throaty, soft, and sexy as hell. I mean late-night commercials for phone sex hot. Within 30 seconds of starting the first closed-nostril breath, I was thinking about how she was exactly my 10-years-younger-than-I-am sweetie’s type. Long, dark, natural hair, thick with waves. Glistening, bronzed skin, with a sheen that didn’t come from hot-flash sweat. Moist, full lips. And a long, taut, and shapely body that was clearly very flexible, without the need for $170 worth of giant oblong supplements from deep in the ocean.

By two minutes in, my Devil Menopaused mind was seeing my sweetie and this completely innocent and very helpful yogi (yogini?) screwing each other’s brains out on a tropical beach. Yes, it took my over-60 imagination just 120 seconds to cook up a full-blown porn scenario between my younger sweetie and the beautiful young woman whose voice I was listening to on a cell phone app. What’s worse, I actually started to resent this woman. I started to feel jealous. Of an Insight Timer meditation and breath work guide. Who helps people for FREE.

Caption, anyone?
Photo by Shiva Smith on Pexels.com

Was this some kind of karmic payback for asking sweetie one too many times if he wanted water before he left? I’m not normally insecure around or jealous of attractive or younger women, so I didn’t understand why this was happening. Why was I starting to really dislike this lovely, calming stranger whom I will never meet and know nothing about?

Then, something even more confusing began to happen. While listening to her voice on my phone app and seeing her straddle my sweetie in my imagination, I started to get turned on! Holy Moly again! This Insight Timer sh*t is dangerous! Who does this?! No one! Maybe it was all the deep inhales, exhales, breath-holding, nostril-pinching, and rhythmic counting. Maybe it had something to do with the estrogen I’m taking. Am I really an old ho?

Photo by DTS VIDEOS on Pexels.com

I intended the “hot” in The Hot Goddess to represent my tenacious Devil Menopause that’s still hanging on at 61, but maybe I am overly obsessed with sex. I mean, who the hell gets turned on during a pranayama session? Who turns a pranayama session into a porn session in their imagination? Who gets jealous and resentful of a free Insight Timer yogi as the result of imagining her sweetie going down on the yogi? Absof*ckinglutely NOBODY, that’s who. Right?

I’m uninstalling this app right now.

After I record the organ tissue repair thing.


If you enjoyed this please remember to Share, Like, FollowComment, Subscribe. (This is my “call to action” I’m supposed to include in every post. Thanks so much for your support!) 💜

35 comments

  1. Uninstalling?! Are you kidding – sign me up! This sounds like fun! Loved the post — it made me chuckle… and subscribe and add noise canceling headphones to my Xmas list…. LOL

    Liked by 2 people

  2. This is the best. Enjoyed every sentence. Laughed out loud frequently and decided that if you are abnormal, I want to be abnormal in the exact same way, except maybe visualizing the sweetie screwing around part. Yay for you for sharing this.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Amazing article! And wow it’s sooooo crazy the mind and body relationship. I don’t question anything our minds and bodies do, especially if it feels good ha! Thank u also for the shoutout omg, you’re the best! Thoroughly enjoyed this one, u know it’s right up my alley 😘😊💖🌺

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s