“…Do You Want Some Water Before You Go?”

This post is for Phyllis and Dana. Thank you ladies for the laughs and encouragement, and Phyllis, thank you for this title.

This is what happens when you get three over-60 women together for happy hour on a sunny restaurant patio, which I posted about on Instagram today. Too much $4 house wine is had. Tequila and ginger beer make an appearance in cocktails. A monthly splurge budget is blown. And talk turns to dating, sex, and cock rings. (I said “cock rings” not “hot greens”… that’s another story…)

We started talking about how much we value our space as single women, and that (plus the wine) led me to share how I dislike sleepovers after sex. Not just after bad sex, but even after awesome sex, too. The older I get, the less I want someone sleeping next to me all night. Go home, baby.

First of all, sleep apnea and the CPAP machine craze have screwed sleeping with a sweetie all to hell. F*cking Darth Vader is one thing (could be kinda hot?), but trying to sleep next to all that is just not my thing. And then there’s the never-ending Devil Menopause. Because, yes, my 61-year-old self is still having night sweats that’ll have a grown-ass man waking up screaming, thinking he’s being boiled alive. Finally, between bladder and prostate issues, there’s just way too much loud, creaky, and painful climbing over each other to get to the bathroom five, six, 17 times throughout the night.

So, after sex is done — amazing or not — if my sweetie starts to fall asleep or get comfortable under the sheets, I will gently and sweetly nudge him and ask, “Do you want some water before you go?”

I really am an affectionate, thoughtful, and fun person. But I’m sorry…I like my entire bed to myself when I’m trying to sleep. I like my entire bathroom to myself. Always. I like my entire space to myself. Period. And no, I don’t want to spend the night (or god forbid the weekend!) at his place. Totally not necessary. We can meet up for eggs Benedict the next morning to satisfy our breakfast-together fix if necessary.

Remember, I’m a not-shy introvert and need my solo space to recharge after my energy has been drained by interacting with people. Hello? Sex is physically energy-draining AF, so yeah, I’m claiming my introvert solo-recharge time.

Once, I was days away from moving in with my sweetie when I decided to draw up a lease detailing terms that included specifying — in writing — my private, off-limits-to-all-but-me space in his very large house. Ha! Needless to say, that didn’t go over well. This man and fellow Aquarian reflected back to me the parts of myself I need to work on, and we still love each other, though now as platonic friends. I cherish that. To this day he remains the absolute best first date I’ve ever had. I cherish that. But thank goodness we didn’t live together.

I just can’t do it. I just don’t want to do it. I need my own solo space. I can share it for a little while, but then I’m going to ask if you want some water before you go. I don’t care how good the sex is or how into you I am.

I was damn near 61 before I started putting my authentic self first and speaking up about this spending the night together mess, instead of silently going along with something I don’t really enjoy now. That’s right, it was 2021 before I discovered the usefulness of this courteous query. My kind and hospitable inquiry about the need for to-go water works as a gentle reminder every time, and I highly recommend it if you’re not feeling sleepovers either.

It wasn’t always this way. There was a time, decades ago, that spending every waking and sleeping moment with a sweetie I was dating was all I wanted. Hanging out, doing everything together, spending the night in each other’s arms, waking to sex and breakfast together. Simply sublime. But as the years have progressed, the amount of time I want a lover underfoot has decreased. Dramatically. And I’m not alone. Other single women I talk to tell me the same thing.

To help illustrate this trend I’ve created more handy charts, just in time for weekend dating fun.

Ageless women dating
Everything’s a 10. In their 20s and 30s, singles typically love spending every minute together, doing every possible thing with their sweetie.
women over 50
Not so much. In their 40s and 50s, singles need/want less time with a sweetie and more time for themselves. Time spent together shopping or running errands is almost always for home repair projects, or picking out new clothes for sweetie so he’ll look better out on the town, on vacation, or meeting family and friends. Sleepovers and travel together are happening, especially as rising income allows for more luxurious trips, but the thrill of sharing the same bed overnight is waning as perimenopause becomes a thing.
Empowered over 50 woman
Three Words: Last. F*cking. Nerve. By 60, many singles are reaching negative territory when it comes to wanting to sleep over with their sweetie. And traveling together? Oh hell no. That’s sleeping over on steroids. There’s a reason solo travel is on the rise among women in this age group.
Shopping and running errands together? Nope.
Retired folks’ fixed incomes can cause a drop in going out on the town together, and keep high the desire to enjoy free nature activities together. Spending time with one’s own family and friends, solo, can become a welcome break from a sweetie at 60.
The desire to hang together at home is still high, though those three words can creep into play more and more when there’s too much at-home-hanging happening.

So there you have it. “Do you want some water before you go?” Grab your shoes and jacket, and thank you for closing the door behind you. See you later.

authentic life for women over 60
Nothing beats watching the sun rise after a good night’s sleep, solo. Good morning, Authenticity!

All photos and images by Natalie Wester @thehotgoddess


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21 comments

  1. I love my solo space and time, but having been single the last 11 years, I’m ready for lots of time with a partner. If you and your friends are typical, then I might not find a woman who wants to hangout, sleepover, travel, and even live together. Ugghh!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I do hope you’ll be putting a book together with all these fascinating blog posts! Completely enjoy reading these. They’ve become reading I look forward to👍🏾

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh how I love this. As a married women of over 30 years, I am trying to figure out a way to get separate bedrooms without offending the other introvert in the house. We do so little together these days that I can’t see why he still thinks sleeping together is so important. I love having the entire bed to myself. Unfortunately he brings a glass of water to bed with him.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Yes this. I’m still in the throes of living with teens but I YEARN for my own bed. My own room. My own bathroom. My own time alone in solitude (especially now after 14 months of still ongoing lockdown)…

    I love this piece.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Umm ‘recently’ single and i can identify with this even in my mid 40’s. I have had more sleepovers than I want. only a few have been ok. I like to start the day with me. Kind of only with me. Great touch on the introvert aspect of this I think that cannot be overlooked. Even if I lived with someone again… separate rooms please.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, yes, yes! Starting the day with me is so important. In my 40s I felt this way, too, but didn’t have the courage to be true to myself. Thank you very much for your comment. Here’s to separate rooms.

      Like

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