the hot goddess

Expat Life: Stupid Stuff & Silly Sh*t ~ A Poem

June 10 is Portugal Day, a national holiday here that honors a poet. Just one more reason I adore my new country of residence. The holiday pays tribute to Luís Vaz de Camões, who died June 10, 1580. He is considered Portugal’s greatest poet and has been compared to Shakespeare, Dante, and Homer. His epic poem, Os Lusíadas, is a symbol of Portuguese pride.

In the spirit of poetry, I’m sharing a few more midlife lessons learned in Portugal as a not-so-smart expat, this time in the form of a cheeky, not-so-good poem. You can read it below, or listen to my first-ever audio recording. Deepest apologies to Luís Vaz de Camões and all true poets.

I've learned a lesson,
Maybe more than two,
Because of the stupid shit,
I have gone through.

First there were symbols,
On my washing machine.
Just dumbass pictures,
I'd never before seen.

I should've done research,
So that I would know,
In which fucking compartment, 
The detergent should go.

But, I decided,
I was way too smart,
To look stuff up,
Before pressing start.

And that's how it went,
For six months and one day,
Until I realized something, 
That blew me away.

The symbol I'd thought,
Was supposed to mean soap,
Was really a flower.
For detergent? Nope!

Yes, that's right,
I'm here to say,
My clothes were washed in plain water,
But rinsed in soap each laundry day.

And then there's spring,
In this sunny foreign land,
With swallows and spiders,
From tiny to muito grande.

Mãe Nature's bird-n-bug combos,
I also have to say,
Can really screw up,
Outdoor laundry-drying day.

From black and white bird poo, 
To red spiders that bite,
Spring's wonders bring stains,
To laundry drying in sunlight.

Now, I try hard to time, 
My clothes-washing days,
To take full advantage, 
Of the sun's hot rays.

But this spring crap has me,
Just singing the blues.
Oh why oh why,
Is there no dryer to use.

But wait, just wait,
Here's a clever thought.
Why not spray the outdoor area 
With the bug killer I bought.

That at least would repel,
All the spiders and flies.
I'd just need to be careful, though,
Not to spray the toxin in my eyes.

So the next laundry day,
That's what I decided to do.
Unfortunately I forgot to do it,
Before the laundry was outside too.

No problem, I got this.
I can spray quite carefully.
I pressed the nozzle and out it shot,
Bug killer on my clothes and me.

And now finally I'll end,
With the high price of gas.
Not the fuel you pump,
Though both leave me aghast.

No, I mean the gas we create,
Those farts that we blow,
More frequently in midlife,
Why, I do not know. 

Oh stinky, stinky farts,
You cost me so much!
Coming at the wrong time,
On dates, in cars, and such.

I went out to dinner,
With a woman friend here.
What the hell was I thinking, 
Ordering that spicy paneer.

For in her small car,
On the hilly ride back,
My gas started making,
Its own silent track.

I clenched and shifted,
Trying hard to be discreet.
Though suppressing gas,
We know is a Herculean feat.

But here's what I learned,
As the gross scent did hover:
Driving through farmland in spring,
Is a fantastic fart cover!

"Oh god, do you smell that?!"
My friend groaned with a start.
I slumped down low in my seat, 
Silently cursing my fart.

"They fertilize with manure here,"
Said my unknowing friend.
Then she closed the car windows,
Which I quickly opened again. 

"That's OK," I said,
Now talking pure shit.
"I love the smell of farms,"
I lied, letting another one rip.

My Portugal expat lessons,
Really, the main two:
Always research symbols,
And pray for cow doo-doo.
A breezy oceanfront path is a good choice if you’re going to do an after-meal walk with a friend in midlife.  Trust me on this.

All images are my own.

The Hot Goddess

Instagram: retired_rewired_inspired

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61 comments

  2. 🤣🤣🤣 LMBO!!! You are so clever and hilarious! You sure do have a way with words in such unforseen circumstances. I enjoyed reading this. It made me laugh!! Thank you for sharing!

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

    • Oh yes, so true! Butt you haven’t lived until one has loudly announced its arrival during a group yoga class. Thank you so much for reading, Christopher. I’m happy you enjoyed the post. 😁

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  7. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣OMG Nat that fart twist had me rolling

    Liked by 1 person

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  13. OMG! Your poem had me rolling! I did the same with laundry last year in Coimbra. And the oven/stovetop! LOVE your sense of humor!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • Ahhh, the oven! Yes! That’s another story. Thank you so much for reading, and laughing with me. I’m happy you appreciate a cheeky sense of humor, and can relate to my experience here. Are you living in Coimbra currently?

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  23. Was in Nazare and read your blog and drove through your town yesterday. Really like the private beach at the edge of the cliff and you have an Aldi nearby too. Great spot!

    Liked by 1 person

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