the hot goddess

Friends, Benefits, & More, Oh My! Midlife Dating in Portugal

“As I get older, I’m re-narrating the intense feelings I have for some people that don’t take the form of ravenous, cosmic, and consuming intimacies, but intentional, rooted, and durational ones. What’s better than the dumb luck of living at the same time as someone you truly admire? It’s so mortal and random. No cosmos could compete.”

—Megan Fernandes, Poet

This struck me. I was revising and rewriting this post about transformations in my dating life here in Portugal as a 63-year-old single American woman of color. I stopped to check my email about an upcoming deadline, and Poets.org was at the top of my inbox. The Universe was talking. Putting words to the disjointed thoughts colliding inside my head. I am ready for more. More change. More feeling. More vulnerability. More risk.

Read the entire poem here.

FWB Relationship Revelations

My trip back to the U.S. last month was gratifying in many ways, as I realized the emotional enlightenment that’s been progressing here in my new home abroad. Time and distance apart from loved ones can make the heart grow fonder…and/or the brain grow wiser. This applies to both familial and romantic relationships.

When I returned to Portugal from the States, I realized two things:

1

I’ve purposefully been playing it safe this first year. With a lot already on my emotional plate as a new, solo expat in a foreign country, I just wasn’t up to taking on the additional pressure of navigating romantic vulnerability. I wanted easy. No entanglement. No risk. No work. I wanted safe, simple fun. I ensured this outcome by dating and having fun with men I knew I could never get attached to. I’ve always been into older men, and my significant others have been as much as 14 years older than I. I wasn’t ready to fall in love here, so, other than one highly entertaining dildo-with-legs who was my age, I only had “romantic” dates with men younger than I. In their 40s and 50s, these men qualify as “midlife,” so I’m not feeling like a 63-year-old cougar here. But I was never going to fall for any of these friends.

Amen, sister!
Sometimes, the benefits aren’t just sex. Sometimes, it’s the shelves.
Seriously, do not underestimate the joy and satisfaction of excellent handyman skills.
Just saying.
Also beneficial!
Alas, sometimes, though, when it’s over it’s over. Adeus amigo 👋🏽.

Source: Unknown (but she is funny AF)

2

While I have met some fools (a given when actively meeting people on online dating apps), I must say most of the men I’ve dated from Portugal and other European countries have been respectful, thoughtful gentlemen. They all will drive from two to six hours roundtrip for a date, even booking themselves Airbnb rooms in my remote village so they can stay the night (alone…I am not wasn’t a sleepover person) before heading back to their homes. This is NOT because I’m so great! This is just what they do. They don’t mind driving, despite the high cost of gas and toll roads. They also pay for everything, which I don’t expect but they insist on doing. I’ve learned a lot about myself, my boundaries, expectations, likes, and dislikes in these enjoyable and non-committed relationships.

Given all this good stuff, though, I’ve realized that I always downplay these pretty cool guys in conversations with friends. “Yeah, so far so good. We’ll see how long it lasts.”  Or “He’s hot and smart so you know something’s going to happen.” Or “Everything’s good, so he’s probably crazy.” I don’t ever brag about how happy I am, but am always ready to tell a hilarious story about or make fun of my dating adventures. I counterbalance the positive of every dating relationship with a caveat. Some negative prediction so I won’t be caught off-guard when if shit happens. I realized I do that all the time when abundant good fortune surrounds me. Why is that? (And why is it that, sometimes, there are “friends” who seem more than happy to do that negative shit for you?)

Sometimes, no, often we are our own fuckening.

Source: Unknown

And More

Given all this juicy self-realization, I made some decisions. Let’s call them “resolutions” for my “new year,” since October 1 is the beginning of my second year living abroad. I am taking the bold step of declaring these resolutions publicly in this space to hold myself accountable. Gulp.

Resolution 1: My heart and brain are ready to take on more risk now. I will stop playing it safe and give myself permission to enjoy building a committed relationship.

Resolution 2: I deserve every bit of fun, affection, romance, and happiness that come my way. I will stop downplaying my dating joy.

I want you to last.
I want meaning between us.
Not just desire.

There is this, though. Hanging out with a committed partner two times a week is plenty for me! I’m not trying to run an Airbnb up in here. I don’t have a three-night minimum. I have maximum stay limits, querido.

Oh My!

Keeping my resolutions
Me acting like I’m in junior high school, but my tribe gets it.

There is much to celebrate about this man, my 65-year-old, non-English-speaking Portuguese namorado, but that and the backstory are for another post. It will be part of a Diving Into Dating Abroad series featuring insights from other expat women, and muito funny stories from my first-year dating exploits in Portugal.

Nearly all midlife women expats I’ve met here are married, but the key things to remember when dating anywhere at any age are essentially the same.

  • Understand and be honest with yourself about your needs and what you want from dating. Self-awareness  is important when dating because those needs can change.
  • Treat others the way you want to be treated, and remember to always treat yourself with kindness. Rejection is a thing when meeting dating prospects. Be respectful if you’re doing the rejecting, and don’t take it personally if you’re on the receiving end. Not everything is meant to be, and not everything is meant to last.
  • Stay positive and have fun. Take a break from dating if that becomes hard to do.
  • Keep an open mind. Sometimes a person we think isn’t our “type” ends up being a great dating partner.

And then there’s also this:

  • Ride that wave until you can’t anymore!
My single American expat friend and dating badass here is fierce. At 60, she has a positive energy that’s a tonic for the weary and the naysayers. She is the reason I even met my namorado. I hope you’ll get to meet her in this space soon.

Tips for Dating a Portuguese Man

I have no tips. Zero. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, but I am enjoying riding the wave. My FWBs have all been at least somewhat fluent in English. This current relationship is a first in two ways: The first with someone who does not speak English; and the first time I’ve agreed to and wanted a committed relationship here. I believe the former is helping the latter.

Of course, it’s a challenge communicating with  someone who doesn’t speak your language.

I still need a translation app to confirm my understanding. He was just asking what I wanted to do on the weekend and what time I wanted to get together. I understood the words, but the oh-so-formal Portuguese language made the meaning sound way deeper than that to me.
And then there are the times I should have used a translation app instead of trying it on my own. I wanted to know if he was going to bring his tools when he came over. (Yeah…that shelves thing is still a thing. #handymanhoneydo)
It didn’t come out right. He tells me to type in English so then he can use a translation app on his end.

However, a language challenge is beneficial in three important ways:

  • It forces you to slow down. I’ve had no choice but to put the brakes on my normal motor mouth or, as my mother has called it since I was a child, my “diarrhea of the mouth.” This is a good thing. Less can be more when talking or texting. Also, popping off a regrettable snarky comment (Who? Me?) isn’t so quick and easy when you have to first type it into a translation app. Slow. Down. And. Think.
  • It forces you to listen. Intently. I think all relationships can benefit from more close listening.
  • It forces you to check for understanding. How many times do we miscommunicate with and misinterpret loved ones when speaking the same native language? Meanings get twisted and feelings get hurt unintentionally. Having to ask for an explanation can minimize this common source of strife in a relationship.

That’s it for now. Wish me luck with keeping my resolutions during this second year in Portugal. Thank you for reading, and Happy Sweetest Day to those of you in the United States! ❤️

All images are my own.

The Hot Goddess

Instagram: retired_rewired_inspired

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62 comments

  1. Natalie!!!!! You’re my hero. You’re such a badass!!!!!!! I loved everything about this post. Wishing you every success in this quest for meaning with your very own debonair handyman namorado. That last Freudian-slip SMS re the tools was hilarious 😂 I’m sure he brought both sets of tools. Go on gurl. Your resolution year is off to a great start. I’m rooting for ya!!!!! When I started reading didn’t envision this end but boy am I happy this is how it ended. Watching this space for more of the romance. Big solidarity hug 🤗

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  4. Congratulations for all of it…the growth, the vulnerability, the recognition that you deserve happiness, and for turning down the voice that says you should wait for the other shoe to drop. You’ve always been radiantly beautiful—it’s good to see you swimmingly happy. ❤️

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  10. As much as I love this post on first impression from a visual standpoint your namoro looks creepy. His eyes look crazed…definitely not the most flattering photo.

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  13. Finally someone is speaking the truth about how aging women look at dating. Yes, it takes falling in love with life to let go and fly. Natalie, I am glad that I didn’t know this information when I was your age. I am sure that I wouldn’t have made it unto my seventies. Saying that, I am so glad that I can cut some of these strings now. You make we feel alive. I am so ready to fall in love again and again.

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    • I love this, Carol! Thank you so much for reading and commenting ❤️. “It takes falling in love with life to let go and fly.” Perfectly stated! Here’s to falling in love with life at any age, beautiful Carol 🥰

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  17. Love the humor and reality you bring to the table . I so enjoy reading your posts. I have been single for quite some time so your post has me questioning if I may fall under the same scenario. I am planning to move to Portugal in a couple years and I look forward to reading your post for encouragement and always humor . I don’t think I am ‘stuck’ but truly enjoy and try to continue to grow me . I am very happy for you and wish you the best of all what comes . Keep inspiring others .

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    • Lisa, thank you for making me smile! I’m so happy you enjoy THG, and appreciate your kind words of support ❤️. I love this: “I…truly enjoy and try to continue to grow me.” Yes, yes, yes!!! Thank you 😘

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  20. Okay, now I’m really invested! I wanted you to get the beach house (the next one will be perfect.) I’m happy that you enjoyed being back in the US, but really leaned into the “rightness” of you new life in PT. I loved the opening up to dating (I’m single, too.) But now, “we” have begun to believe in real bonds! Oh, Gurl…let me get my popcorn! I’m rooting for you, and sending happy thoughts!

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    • Della! Thank you so much for this juicy comment, and for your encouragement ❤️. I appreciate your kindness! Sim, sim, get some popcorn 🍿. Doce e salgado, because this adventure is sure to be a sweet and salty ride! 😁😘

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  22. Thank you for sharing your story! My husband flew from Portugal to Maui, where I was living at the time, on February 15, 1996 (he tried for the 14th, but got stuck in customs in NYC). We got married May 25th, 1996. It’s amazing how Portuguese men truly are world navigators! I’m an African American woman around the same age as you, and I really appreciate your journey.

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  23. Thank you for sharing your story! My husband flew from Portugal to Maui, where I was living at the time, on February 15, 1996 (he tried for the 14th but got stuck in customs in NYC). We were married by May 25th, 1996. It’s amazing how Portuguese men truly are world navigators! I’m an African American woman as well and around the same age as you, and I really appreciate your journey.

    Liked by 1 person

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